I got my feelings hurt badly many years ago by a girl I was convinced that I was in love with. We were at the most, and not even all that close. I was a dumb teenager who didn’t know any better. She ended up ghosting me after I hinted that I felt something for her. I was already really depressed at the time and it absolutely pushed me over the edge. I remained convinced that she was “the one who got away” for years. The reality is that we were never really compatible and not even close when we were friends. A lot of pain for nothing. After years of pretty successfully being mature about it and not blaming her I moved away from my hometown and it really stressed me out. All the unjustified resentment I’d been burying came pouring out and hasn’t stopped. I hate her now. What it really is is extreme self-loathing directed elsewhere, but having figured that out hasn’t changed anything.

I met someone else a few years back. Someone who makes me feel safe and good about myself. I never let her know in a large part because things with this other girl blew up in my face so badly. I’m afraid that I’m wrong again, or that I’ll only make things weird between us. Maybe even that I’d repeat what happened last time and eventually end up hating her too. Now she’s off somewhere else and I may never see her again.