You are the only person in the entire world who has ever made my heart skip a beat. The last night in KL – I remember it so clearly, your gentle caresses and the embrace. I was over the moon. So ecstatic that I told you that I think that I was like you without hesitation. I so wanted to kiss you then, even before then, to accept your advances. But remembering your interest in that local hurt me. Perhaps even at the beginning there was this seed of jealousy that just prohibited me from wanting to be forthright with you. I couldn’t believe that love was just right under my nose. I couldn’t believe that I had the capacity for s***** attraction until you opened my eyes.
When I left you I was so hurt. I expected you to never hurt me but you did. When you criticised my lack of shaving again, everything that you did/said that showed a lack of genuine care about me kept replaying in my mind. You always pointed out physical traits that you disliked, how you wouldn’t be with me if you could be with her, discussed the future where we wouldn’t be together, pushing the physical boundaries that I have set because I was afraid that the physical was all you wanted. I blamed the failure of us on you. I didn’t believe you viewed us as a long-term item.
‘Let’s end whatever this is’ I texted you. Just the week before you had asked if we could take a break. I felt like you wanted it to end, that it didn’t matter for you, that all you cared about was your own self-gratification. The cheap dress I wore when you caressed me in KL, that moment when I believed I fell in love, I ripped it up and dumped it out whilst crying.
I still wear the dress from the night of our first kiss. I still think about you all the time. I sometimes convince myself that you did love me. That you did care. That I had so severely screwed things up that it has flipped the switch for you to not caring at all. To you wishing harm upon me even.
You are the only person, so far in the world that I s******* want to be with. The last week we were together – I put aside my pride and shaved. You didn’t even care that I was looking forward to seeing you early in the morning. After the last time, even though it hurt when you threatened to go to where I lived and what it meant, said that you wouldn’t apologise for the incident, I dreamt and thought of physical things that I would have believed to be unthinkable previously. It was a big deal for me, and by extension I thought it would be a big deal for you, my dearest.
Yes I hurt you afterwards. I craved communication with you, as I believed our lack of communication had caused the failure after calming down. I craved to see you again on neutral ground. You called the entire experience something you could have gotten from a magazine. You told me not to overplay the importance of our relationship. That us knowing eachother for years did not matter.
That broke me. I’m broken. I know I’m still in love with the idea of you. I know I shouldn’t be. I know you don’t care about me. I wish you did.
I fantasise sometimes, of somehow getting in contact and visiting you where you are at now. Hoping to just grab a coffee together to talk things out. Ironically we’ve never had a coffee together in our city, only overseas. I remember when I called it a huge downgrade. How I regret that now.
I know I’m unwelcome. I understand that this is unwelcome. But I only have so much willpower. This keeps my insanity in check. It gives me temporary relief from knowing that I will never find love. Those feelings that were within me when we were together. I understand that I will never feel then again and that hurts. I wish I had never felt them in the first place, I was fine with being alone before the fact. But after, after has been an extremely painful endeavour.
I wish I was stronger. I wish I had your level of resilience. I wish I could just not care Imogen Cortis-Jones.
I secretly do want you to see these. To read these to understand that it’s been 3 years now, and for the rest of our lives, that I have and will think of you daily. To demonstrate that you have had a profound impact on a life you promised to protect and nourish, that you said that you loved and cared for. To show you the pain that you have caused and ignored.
