A lot has changed for me recently. I was a casual, until the 6th of September… That day is going to remain forever in my head, because that day, I caused a car accident: I got into the car too sleepy, there was a huge fog, and at some point, at the intersection, I didn’t see the truck incoming from the left, I drove out and the side of the car got hit with the truck moving around 40 km/h – the driver side was hit, and I can’t accept the fact that I, as a driver, got out without any injuries – not counting cut hands, while my mum had 10 broken ribs and my grandma had broken cheek bone. At first, doctors suspected that my mum could’ve had broken spine. I cried non-stop for the whole day and for the whole next day. I just cried. My hometown was fairly small, mostly occupied by eldery people. When people found out about the accident from TV, newspapers, internet, they already know who caused it. When I went to the hospital with my dad to check on them, everyone was looking at me like at a murderer. I remember that at the evenings I used to call my friends for a 5-minute chatter: I wanted to ask them what’s up etc, just to get my thoughts off the accident. Suddenly, most of them stopped picking up, and even texting back. I considered suicide at a certain point – the level of stress I had just overwhelmed me, I wanted to end it. Every night I lied down crying in bed like a little girl. F****** little girl. My studies started at November and when I moved out to a different city – I wanted to commit suicide even more. This lasted till October, and afteron – everything was just alright. I got back to my normal state of being, I was a casual boy like before, but am I? The February started and my insecurities and stress started to move in again. I started to percept myself as ugly: both when it comes to the body and face. I’m working on the body since November, but I can’t accept my face. And one thing that really irritates me is that… Every single one of my friends already have girlfriends or boyfriends. Some of them tell me how awesome their time spent together was, how awesome their date went. I dated a couple of girls, but I never found the right one, the right kind. The feeling that everyone is better off than me when it comes to relationships is just making me feel… Lonely. And stupid. And ugly. And incapable of love. Incapable of anything. I’m an introvertic person, yet I can’t deal with obsolete loneliness. Even when… Even when I’m out in the city now. I smile to every girl around my age as I pass them, yet only few of them smile back. I’m mostly being ignored – when a girl sees that, she’d immediately turn her head the other direction, like as if she didn’t want to look at me.
I started a journal of thoughts at the very beginning of January. I think I will continue my journey with it.

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