A girl I liked a lot ghosted me several years ago. I was in a really bad place with depression at the time and built her up into someone she wasn’t. She’s honestly a fine person but years down the line and lessons more or less learned I’ve realized that a relationship with her wouldn’t have worked. I was determined to be mature about it and not blame her at the time. Things just didn’t work out and it was for the best with the exception of me baring my soul a little bit and embarrassing myself. It hurt for years and I continued thinking that she was the one that got away for years. Eventually a few years ago I met someone who I think things could work out with, and I’ll return to that at the end. A couple years ago I moved a few hours away from home and my depression ramped up in a big way. I started to feel extreme hatred for the girl who had ghosted me. I felt like she could have at least told me off at a minimum. This loathing comes and goes nowadays. I’m wondering now if I should have allowed myself to be angry at the time, and maybe I’d have gotten over it better. Now I feel just kind of stuck. Like I work myself through the anger on a fairly regular basis, but as soon as things get a little hard I started hating her again.
Anyway. This non-relationship has messed me up a bit. I was already pretty afraid of letting people get close, and I want and made things extremely weird with a friend who I would have probably drifted apart from in time. I’m afraid of repeating this mistake again with someone much closer to home. Like the girl I met later. I was afraid to let her know how I felt about her and now she’s out of the country for a couple of years. I feel safe with and trust her but am extremely scared of making things weird with her. She liked me and trusted me to some degree, though I often second guess if it was real or not. As I’ve stated above, I’ve been dead wrong before. The other girl lives thousands of miles away and doesn’t know anyone from my hometown. That’s not the case with the new girl. I fuck things up with her and people will find out. Just wanted to get my messy life off my chest.