I posted this a few days ago. I really need help. Please somebody, anybody, offer me advice on how to get over fears. I don’t want the love of my life to leave me.
I am so terrified of women. I wish I had someone to talk to constructively. I really need someone. Long story short, I raped a lady when I was 22, in college. Got 3 years in jail. On probation for 10 years. I have to inform every woman I date about what I have done. It isn’t easy. Some dates left immediately, not even a good-bye. Two used it as an opportunity to abuse me. One I felt particularly close to- she and I were having sex and she whispered to me, “I could call the police and say you are raping me and you’d go back to jail, where you belong you no good pig.” The other one I got close to used my past as an excuse to hurt my penis and testicles and she hurt me really badly down there. It hurts to even repeat it.
I have been dating another woman for a year now. I want to marry her. I want kids with her. She is everything I could hope for- beautiful, intelligent, sweet.
But I am terrified of women. I am terrified of being alone with them. I am terrified they will hurt me. I am terrified of opening up sexually to her. What if I have a panic attack or cry during the middle of sex? My girlfriend is begging me for sex but I can’t give it to her beacuse I’m too afraid. I want to please her so badly but she will be just like all the others and either hurt me or humiliate me.
P.S. this is how my second girlfriend hurt me: I got to let it out. My 2nd girlfriend I had wanted to try handcuffs on both feet and hands. I went along with her, thinking she was going to make me feel good. I’m crying as I write this, but she took a small knife and cut the word ‘rapist’ on my erect penis. It’s a daily reminder-scar- of how my life doesnt matter. I can’t show my penis to the woman I want to marry. I even went to a dermatologist to see if she could get rid of the scar to help me heal emotionally. She told me I deserved it. Please, someone, tell me how I can heal and get over my fear of women. I really want a family.
I don’t want my soon to be fiance to know about my past crime. I want to love her. I want her to love me. I want to feel secure. I want her to feel secure. How are any of these things going to be accomplished if she knows about my crime?