I posted this a few days ago. I really need help. Please somebody, anybody, offer me advice on how to get over fears. I don’t want the love of my life to leave me.
I am so terrified of women. I wish I had someone to talk to constructively. I really need someone. Long story short, I raped a lady when I was 22, in college. Got 3 years in jail. On probation for 10 years. I have to inform every woman I date about what I have done. It isn’t easy. Some dates left immediately, not even a good-bye. Two used it as an opportunity to abuse me. One I felt particularly close to- she and I were having sex and she whispered to me, “I could call the police and say you are raping me and you’d go back to jail, where you belong you no good pig.” The other one I got close to used my past as an excuse to hurt my penis and testicles and she hurt me really badly down there. It hurts to even repeat it.
I have been dating another woman for a year now. I want to marry her. I want kids with her. She is everything I could hope for- beautiful, intelligent, sweet.
But I am terrified of women. I am terrified of being alone with them. I am terrified they will hurt me. I am terrified of opening up sexually to her. What if I have a panic attack or cry during the middle of sex? My girlfriend is begging me for sex but I can’t give it to her beacuse I’m too afraid. I want to please her so badly but she will be just like all the others and either hurt me or humiliate me.
P.S. this is how my second girlfriend hurt me: I got to let it out. My 2nd girlfriend I had wanted to try handcuffs on both feet and hands. I went along with her, thinking she was going to make me feel good. I’m crying as I write this, but she took a small knife and cut the word ‘rapist’ on my erect penis. It’s a daily reminder-scar- of how my life doesnt matter. I can’t show my penis to the woman I want to marry. I even went to a dermatologist to see if she could get rid of the scar to help me heal emotionally. She told me I deserved it. Please, someone, tell me how I can heal and get over my fear of women. I really want a family.
I don’t want my soon to be fiance to know about my past crime. I want to love her. I want her to love me. I want to feel secure. I want her to feel secure. How are any of these things going to be accomplished if she knows about my crime?
All Comments
Fake! Go away you wrong-wing purveyor of agitprop.
Real mature of you…
Realistic and accurate. Not immature in the slightest.
P.P.S. I know this is going to make me sound crazy, but I actually feel dirty and disgusting when I feel “horny”. I hate to even look at my erect penis…maybe because of the scar. I just wish I felt much better about myself sexually.
My advice is just don’t reveal your past until you have completely established a trustworthy relationship. It seems silly but I think not telling anyone would be a solution. Those women who abused you are actually worse than a pig to threaten you like that. Be yourself, and don’t waste time on those who are really shallow and just walk out. You deserve better. And one day, you will find that special someone who can acknowledge you as a person. Because you have to know this, NO ONE and I repeat no one, is perfect in this world.
What I want to know is the circumstances of the rape you were convicted and sent to jail for. Was it a stranger? Did you use a gun or a knife and threaten their life? Did you or did you not use a condom? (I know, no rapist uses a condom.) Did you strike her and injure her as well as rape her? How old was your victim?
The details hurt the worst, but if I want to have a good future I can’t run from the past. I got to face it and then try to move forward. She was not a stanger. I knew her casually at college. I never threatened her life (no gun or knife was used). I got her really drunk and gave her some of my grandmother’s pain medicine to really get her drowsy. I did not use a condom. However, I have never had an STD. Tears are stsrting to fall down my face. You don’t know how badly it hurts me that I did this to another human. It makes me sick to my stomach. Maybe people are right- I don’t deserve to be loved or have a wife. My victim fell down a flight of stairs because she was so drowsy and broke her ankle and a few ribs. I sincerely tried to catch her- I never wanted her to be hurt. My hands were too sweaty and I did not get a good grasp and she slippd through my fingers. However, everyone “knows” I pushed her on purpose znd no one cared for the truth on that one. I honestly did try to save her from that fall. She was 20 years old. I wish I could apologize to her.