I’ve had a really close friend for over a year now. We’ve been through a lot together and are best friends but like a bunch of s*** happened and I broke the trust between us while trying help him out in something. What happened is a long story but I apologised profusely and genuinely felt like suicidal from guilt but he keeps saying it’s fine but I know he really hasn’t forgiven me though it’s not like what I did was really something bad. Now every time I like see him around in school I just feel like a complete d*** and I really doubt my abilities to be a good friend anymore. Now I really have basically no one I’m close to since he was my only close friend and now I’m too self conscious of everything I do that people get sick of me. Like I do things like “am I too annoying” or “I’m sorry you probably don’t care but..” or I don’t even like talk much cos I don’t wanna repeat of the b******* that happened before. Rip my high school life I really wanna die
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It sounds to me like you are the one putting the wall up between you and your friend. He’s told you it’s ok, you yourself acknowledge that what you did wasn’t that terrible…YOU are struggling to forgive yourself and you’re beating yourself up with the guilt.
Forgive yourself. Allow yourself to try again, knowing how to do better now from your past mistakes. That mistake is already in the past. You are currently a wiser person full of good intentions. Just make sure you make the best of those good intentions and be the best friend you can be. It’s ok 🙂
Also, we’re all too hard on ourselves. There is no worst critic of us than our self! I was just like you in high school. I’m now 32, and I STILL have those moments….’Am I being annoying? They don’t want me here…’ but I’ve learned that is all only in my head! Don’t be so hard on yourself buddy. As you grow older you’ll realize most people are too worried about their own insecurities to even notice others that much. lol. Some of us are just better at playing it cool than others. Fake it until you make it!