I lost my cousin and my aunt last month. They both passed on a same week. My cousin had a battle with cancer for years, so losing her wasn’t too shock for me. She was suffered for nearly a year. I hurt me bad but at least we all told ourselves she finally found piece. My aunt’s death was TOO SHOCK FOR ALL OF US. She had a heart attack. She even attended in my cousin’s funeral, and the next day, she’s gone. It was dinner time, and that phone call would be something i remember for the rest of my life. They said she had a heart attack, and told my mom to be at her house as soon as possible. My mom left with my dad, then my dad came back told us that aunt was in the hospital and in a coma… Well, later, another phone call from my mom, and that when she told me aunt passed. I still don’t know how to describe my feeling at that moment. When i heard about the incident, i was so f****** scared, for a person who has zero faith, i even prayed, i asked God for help, i asked everything for a miracle. No miracle happened. I was so mad, mad is the only word i can find to tell how i felt. I went outside, and i kept punching the wall. I didn’t cry. Not at that moment, not even at the funeral, not when they burned the coffin. I didn’t even drop a single tear since she left us. I don’t know what is going on with me. All parts of my body are aching. I have panic attack every night. Every night before i fall asleep, my brain imagines the sound of a phone call, now i nearly too scared to go to bed everyday just because i’m too afaird of hearing the ringing sound from the phone at the middle of the night. I’m having that panic now, when i’m writing these words. My heart is beating like it’s gonna break through my chest. I can’t tell anyone. People have their own businesses to worried about. I know my mom is still sad, so is my dad. My brother doesn’t say anything, but i saw him cried in both funerals. I wish i could express my feelings easily just like him. I can’t. Two people i loved the most from both side of my families died, and not a single tear has dropped. What the f*** is going on with me? I miss my aunt, i miss my aunt so f****** bad. Last week she was still there, talking, laughing, eating with us. Then boom, she’s dead. She borrowed me some books and comics so she can read them at home, and i don’t even have a dare to go to her house to talk them back. I am too scared to put myself into that house again. Every memories we had in that house, in my house, everything we did together with her. Everything we still hadn’t done with her. She was the one who helped to chim my bang, now she’s gone, who’s gonna help me with that? Who…? It hurts and it hurts so f****** bad. Now i’m having panic attack every night, i’m afraid of phone call, i’m struggling with my depression. And f*** f*** f***, it shouldn’t have been that way. Next year should have been a cheerful happy year. My other aunt, cousins and her fiance will come back from Aus. She planned to celebrate new year with us, and then fly back to Aus with my Aunt so she can have her Aus trip. It supposed to be a happy year, not like all the s*** is happening now. I lost all my faith, now nothing is left. I hate why s***** things always happen to good people. I hate when people around me are sad. I hate to see them sad, i hate to see myself being eaten alive by my depression. In my country, it’s not that easy to find a therapist so all those years i’ve dealing with this depression all alone. I can’t be a burden to anyone, not the ones i love. I can’t make them sadder, i just can’t. I’m just too sad. It’s been 2 weeks and everything still hurts like a b****. Time won’t heal. It might get better but i know time isn ‘t a solution for my depression. I wish i could turn back time. I had a dream where my aunt was still alive. In that dream, i’d known what was going to happen, and u even told myself in my dream that i should tell someone to take my aunt to the hospital to check her health. Why the f*** didn’t i do that in real life. Why the f*** non of us, the whole family, but not a single person who thought about that before??? I know i shouldn’t blame anyone, but a part of this, we all know, that it was our fault. All of us fault. Because of our carelessness that she died. Our fault. OURS. I can’t say it out loud. I can’t blame anyone. She’s dead, and if she was still there somewhere i don’t want to make her sad because of my words. I don’t want anyone else to get hurt. I don’t want to hurt anyone, either myself, anymore. I’m tired. I’m f****** depressed and tired. I might go crazy. Life, school, friends, everything are too stressful for me to deal with. Now what? Someone you love died? Pardon? Isn’t that too much…???? Someone i was really really closed to, someone u really truly loved. Both my cousin and my aunt were the closet person to me in both side of my families. Now they’re both dead. Excuse me God? Where the f*** are your eyes??? Why the f*** did it happen to us? At a same time? When the year is nearly end? Why????? Don’t you want us to be happy? How the f*** can anyone be happy when a s***** thing like that happened???? What the hell? God??? I’m depressed, i’m tired, i’m angry. Being afaird of ghost like when u was a child was wayyyy easier than what i’m dealing with now. I’m now afaird of death, not really, i’m afaird of losing people, of losing things i love. Instead of mouning their deaths, i blamed myself, my family, God, everything else. I’m i losing my mind? Am i??? I can’t commit suicide. Not anymore. Not when someone i truly truly loved, who deserved to live lost their lives. How dare me? Talking my own, when others didn’t even have a chance to live. I feel sick. If i keep being like this, i might get sick soon. I just need to talk about everything. Sorry for this confession. You don’t need to read it, really…

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