I’m 16 and I’ve been lying to my dad these last two weeks, about going to school, when I’ve really just called in sick and strolled around in the house everday. When he comes home and asks me how school’s been, I say ‘Great!’ and change the subject.
I want to go to school, but I can’t, because I haven’t done my assignments and I’m scared to face those whom I’ve let down in neglecting my duties. My days all pretty much look the same now: I sleep till the afternoon, go up and eat something, then I watch tv and sit infront of the computer until my dad calls to tell me he’s on his way home, then I get dressed and ensures there’s no evidence around.
This skipping and lying is causing me great distress and anxiety, I worry so much and cry when it feels to heavy, and I’m so lonely and miserable I don’t know what to do! I simply want to cease to exist, but I’m unable to commit suicide and besides, I’m not really depressed. In a way, I wish I were, because then I would be allowed to cry, and to neglect all that’s important, as oppossed to now, when it’s just like I’m lazy and sloppy.
I don’t know for how long I’ve felt this worthless, the greater part of my life, it seems like when looking back. I am pathetic; the lowest, most disgusting creature. My self-esteem is practically nonexistant. I’ve put everything from schoolwork and cleaning to social life and health on this high piedestal. These last few years I’ve stayed at home from school increasingly. I know I have no future, at least not if I don’t change drastically, and I can already see my gross, pathetic future self looking back at this moment wondering why I didn’t appreciate my youth. That’s why I should dissappear. Sorry if this was a long post, just felt like getting it off my chest.
