A year back, we started out as friends, became best friends, everything was so simple, so easy, I developed somewhat of a love for him 6 months back, but

15 years

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A year back, we started out as friends, became best friends, everything was so simple, so easy, I developed somewhat of a love for him 6 months back, but never expressed it in fear of pushing him away. I hid it knowing there was no chance for me and him together (heck, I always viewed him as a brother), but I always cared more, I asked about him more, I’ve always been the one to patch things up when they got tense despite it being his fault, to sum it up, I’ve always been there for him, and him not as much. I feel my heart clenching when I think of the pain it causes me, the hurt I feel cannot be described. I was stupid enough to tell him about it 3 days ago, he was shocked, and saddened that that’s how I felt (cuz he’s been through “one-sided-love” as well, and it breaks him) I wasn’t heart-broken, not even slightly because it was no surprise. I’ve always told myself being friends is better than nothing at all. Telling him was worth taking the chance, I mean, who knows, he probably had a crush on me too… But I was mistaken, instead of it bringing us closer together, I feel that I truly have scared him away. I’ve been feeling really down for the past 3 days, and he hasn’t asked about me once. My throat is tight with pain the whole day, I cry myself to sleep, and my heart is aching. Because I’ve always CARED more, and I’m getting nothing in return.

New Confession

I hope you find inner peace guy/girl with the therapist.
I wouldn’t put your stocks on them breaking up for your happiness, tho.
Sounds like you need to find someone who isn’t helping you through mental wars.
I heard it’s common to fall for a therapist because they listen.
Maybe that’s why I used to be obsessed with my friends. 🤷‍♂️
Just some food for thought. And on that note, I’m excited and nervous to meet my first therapist in June.
(Being sober is helping, too)

Related Confessions

I got mad at my boyfriend for talking to other girls in front of me, while I sat on his best friends lap. I feel like a hypocrite but at the same time I feel valid. My boyfriend asked me to do this, to play this role with his friend. My boyfriend and I are not supposed to be seen together in front of certain friends of his, and at this party I had to pretend to be his best friends girl so that no other guy would try to hit on me. Okay, so I played along and was now the girlfriend of his best friend. I did not tell him to flirt with other ladies right in front of me, or to dance with them. So I’m feeling petty, mad, and his friend is buying me drink after drink. I’m upset that I can’t be on my boyfriend so I start milking it with the friend, my ‘boyfriend’ of the night. I hold on his waist, I sit on his lap, to other couples that we talk to ‘we’re going to try for a child this year’, like we’re playing the part to a T, he’s feeling on me, were dancing naughty on the floor. I’ve never danced with anyone like that and I had a really good time with him because he looked after me so well. He didn’t even let me go to the bathroom alone, he’d wait by the door. He was so sweet. But I was so upset at my boyfriend for not even like trying to come say hi, check on me or anything. He was too busy with other ladies. By the end of the night, I was pretty toasty. I don’t even remember going to the last bar, but I remember being there again on his friends lap. He’d just hold me and talk to me while my boyfriend was again, talking to another girl. I told my ‘boyfriend of the night’ how upset it made me, and how I didn’t want to put up with it. Maybe I said a little much.. and I kind of regret it. I didn’t and wouldn’t kiss the friend, I would not sleep with the friend. But my boyfriend said ‘i’m not upset, but if I was not there i’m sure things would have escalated between the two of you’. Which I kind of took offense to because I was doing what he told me to! I’ve only been with two guys and him! Three total, I don’t sleep around! and he has the nerve to say that. I don’t know. I’m upset, but I also feel like a hypocrite. Maybe I milked it too hard by dancing with the friend, by holding his thigh while we sat together. UGH I get flustered just thinking about it! But he made me feel safe and like I could do those things without anything more happening! He was kind and didn’t push any limits. There was no risk between us. But I did have a good time. I am debating on whether or not to message the friend (get this, the friend and I are connected on social media but my own bf won’t unblock me because he can’t risk people knowing about us because hes married..) ANYWAY I was debating on whether or not to message the friend and just thank him for the night. and also apologize for.. getting a little sloppy and handsy.. I hold my face in embarrassment just thinking about it.
I asked my bf after that night if he was upset with me, and he say’s ‘Nah I really don’t care, just s*** me off’. . .
I’m so … stupid.

So after writing this, I messaged the friend. I apologized for getting handsy and thanked him for the fun night. He said he had a GREAT time with me and that I should be brought out to dance more. (I never get taken out to dance.) The realization of all of this is making me cry lol.. I’m feeling even more conflicted than I was ten minutes ago. . . Well time to go back to work in the office now.