I am a young teen how just turned 18. Before I did I thought long and hard about my life and felt aches and pains even sadness to see my life in 3rd person. I have very little friends only two that actually call me once in a while. One of them is an egotistical guy who has called me pathetic and thinks little of me. I only made friends with him because I felt that I did not desercve more than this idiot for a friend. This last thought I just figured out a few days ago when I thought of my friendship with this guy. The other friend is a girl who is beautiful but is timid and doesn’t like to talk on the phone. Although she is very smart she fails to get over her fear of socializing. I myself have this fear inbeded in me. I feel sorry for myself knowing that I have such few personal friends. I have everything I need. My cousins have told me I have a great personality and a great sense of humor and if you got to know me you would see that it is very difficult to see my fear. For years I have learned how to hide my fear from the view of anyone. I find that girls of my age have crushes on me. I hate as they go away because I can become a friend. Once I try to become more than a friend my fear takes over and I retreat into the easy and continue my misery. I have so many dreams and ambitions but I find I accomplish little of what I dream of. I find that I am missing affection and at a chance to give away my feelings I am temped to give them up and rely emotionaly to that person. I haven’t given anyone my emotions but the urge becomes more and more powerful each time and my reason is soon to give up and loose its grip on my feelings. I find that I have difficulty giving affection to anyone. Even a prolongued look in the eye is often uncomfortable for me. I wish I had a spiritual master…………