I want to kill myself, but I can’t bring myself to do it. I want to hang myself, but I just imagine my ugly, fat self breaking the rope. I want to drown myself, but I’m scared to end up alive on a shore somewhere. I want to down as many pills as possible, but don’t want to fail and end up with health problems instead. I want to slice my neck and wrists open, but what if I don’t go deep enough and have to live under eagle eyes and critics ready to critique? To the point of telling myself to never talk again because its not like anyones going to listen. The point of hating yourself to where it doesn’t matter if my own death is slow and painful or fast and painless, just that it happens. To the point of not having any motivation because I truly don’t see a good future for me. I really wish death would take me by the hand now.
