I married very young. I still am young. I got married to a guy from another country, who, for various reasons, absolutely had to move back to his country after a couple of years. I didn’t even have my passport, so I couldn’t follow. Long distance relationships are hard, of course, but we loved each other all the same. I was working on saving up money to follow him, I was almost at my goal.
Then one day he disappeared, of course it was after a fight, so I still harbor feelings that it was my fault. I didn’t hear a peep from him. I couldn’t contact him. I couldn’t find anyone that he knew to contact. I was left in the dust.
Three months later, he’s back. Saying he missed me, claiming he just lost the internet. He showed as much love as a husband would show his wife. I had him for a few days, then he was gone again. Every time I think I had him back, he disappeared again.
The frequent abandonment, being dragged on for over a year, I developed severe anxiety that plagues me to this day and my depression spiked. Excuse after excuse, young, confused and in the dark, I started falling apart. I think I would still fall apart. I bought him things that would help him get at least the internet to talk to me. I bought him a laptop, an internet deal. I spent my savings to follow him just so I could get a piece of him to hold onto. Still kept losing him.
It turns out he killed himself in the end.
Now it’s years later, I have a boyfriend of three and a half years that I am so very, very in love with, who makes me happier than anyone else.
But I still find myself searching for my lost husband. Every once in a while. I look up his name in a hundred different variations of ways that might give me some clue, even though I know he’s gone. I usually spend over an hour on it before I make myself stop.
I can’t talk to anyone about this, really. I mean, I have a boyfriend– really the only person I’d want to talk to about deep things like this. But I’d never tell him. I don’t want him to think I’m longing, ’cause I’m not. But I just need to talk about it for once. I need to stop letting myself be haunted.
I’ve never put my thoughts on page. I never got my closure. I never said any final words to him.
So, Sunshine, I’m gonna say my good bye to you. Finally.
You were brilliant. You were sweet, you were beautiful. My little time with you is something I will never forget. I’m sorry I wasn’t there. I’m sorry if I was ever too much. I’m sorry if this was my fault. I wish you could have lived your life and kept all of the magnificent thoughts of yours in this world.
You are dear. I haven’t said this in years, but I do love you. Please, find your happiness.
Good bye
