It just hit me that I will turn 40 in a month. What s**** is that I’ve outside of my children I’ve accomplished nothing. I’ve tried acting and that backfired when my agent went to jail. I had a degree to teach but my first wife and I divorced (a very nasty one) due to her extra-marital affairs and one ill-executed joke where she referenced cocaine with two cops present. Seriously, the arbitrator basically told me to sign paperwork saying I will never teach in Texas because my wife was already an established teacher for 7 years. I know women usually get ‘majority’ in a divorce but when after I signed that to increase visitation to our son she then announced that signing the ‘no-teaching’ paper also stated that I terminated all rights to our son. So I haven’t seen him in 10 years. That’s why I left Texas.
Anyway, my first child is now in her 20s and a nurse. My youngest is 4 and she is about to start appearing in commercials. I’m very proud of both of them. My son, well I read in a newsletter he does very good in basketball at his church (my old church).
But outside of that, my current marriage is failing due to my wife missing her family and friends. I’m now sleeping in the car outside her parent’s house because there is, to quote her dad: “Not enough room.” I never see her outside of her being picked up by friends and our daughter is always with the parents. I haven’t seen my family in 5 years in part because they still live in Texas (and my wife REFUSES to step foot in Texas). She also refuses to meet my family and friends. She says “I don’t know them and don’t want to know them.” Yet, I have to drive her family everywhere and do things for them.
I’ve never held a job that paid over $40k/yr. I have no retirement. I have no savings. My History degree gets me no where and now that I live in Vancouver…I have to go back to school for Canadian certification to teach. I lost that passion after my first divorce.
Right now, I’m seriously considering suicide. It don’t really consider it suicide, but more of a self-sacrifice. Knowing that my wife current wife is unhappy, and that I have really nothing to provide her it is the best option. She is Filipina and I know divorce is a taboo in their culture. So by me killing/sacrificing myself, I free her from the divorcee stigma. Instead she will be a widow. As that I rarely see her now…I probably won’t be missed.
Since I haven’t seen/heard my family back in Texas in 5 years they would never know. My wife will not talk to them and has banned me from talking to them (stating that all I do is “Talk S***” about her to them, which I never did. I’m not allowed to have a facebook, Twitter, Instagram, or Email addresses. I keep one email address in secret but the rest I learn to live without. I’m too old for them anyway I felt. I’ll miss my 23 year old daughter but she is mature and will move on strongly. My son hasn’t seen me in 10 years so he’ll forget. I’ll miss my 4 year old daughter but I’m pretty sure my in-laws and wife have slowly made her start forgetting about me. Seriously, when I knock on the door they never answer for me. Pizza man, yes.
No human should live like this. But I see no other option. Since I have no job at present, no money, been wearing the same green hoody and underwear for weeks, and severely isolated from the world…I think it’s time. At least my wife will be happy I’m gone forever. And as long as she is happy (and if my first ex-wife finds out she will be beyond excited), my children grow up to lead successful happy lives, I’ll be dying knowing that I did the right thing. A 40 year old (like me) has no place in the world to ‘begin again’ and I’m just making sure that whatever space I’m currently taking up will go to someone else that deserves it and will maximize the potential given to them prior to me.
Thank you,
Gilbert Torres