Sometimes while m*********** I would go to a s** chat site to chat to women online, but I would pose as a woman as the thought of lesbian s** arouses me.
Chatting in this way would give me a temporary emotional connection and I would do it often.
Once I started my relationship with my girlfriend I mostly no longer had the desire to do this. However the other night before I was triggered I spoke to a woman online, and allowed myself to feel an emotional connection to her (despite posing as a woman), even though I had not intended to do so. This excited me because it felt forbidden. The feeling of this emotional connection triggered a deep guilt (because of my feelings for my girlfriend) which then led to anxiety and a panic attack. I feel what I did was very wrong and a betrayal of my girlfriend’s feelings and trust.
