I’ve been struggling with violent and homicidal urges since I was a child. In elementary school, I was having dreams about slitting open my parent’s throats while they slept, suffocating my sister, and cutting open a dead body.
Before anyone gets worried, no, I’m not going to kill my family. First of all, I want my family to live long, fulfilling lives. Second, it’s illegal. Third, I’m worried about being punished for my sins after death.
I really love my family… which is why I wanted to kill them. I want to be there when they die. Unfortunately, in middle school, I slipped up a bit and couldn’t resist a few urges. I tried to drown my sister a few times, and she only remembers the memories as a funny accident. But there was this… amazing feeling I felt as I pulled her underwater and watched her thrash around for a bit. People are really cute when they’re scared, especially my younger sister. She cried afterwards, and I felt nothing but guilt. But the guilt was amazing. I’ve felt the same feelings while messing around with animals, but nothing as strong as with my sister.
It’s really strange… people tell me I’m the kindest, sweetest person they know. I’m told I’m shy and meek. I’m a vegan, for Christs sake. I want to rescue animals and start a charity! But I can’t help but want to do something bad again. And feel bad about it.
