i stopped loving my parents when i feared that they stopped loving me. i was not able to handle witnessing their disgust and disappointment in me. my main coping mechanism for dealing with the intolerable memories in my life like being physically punished by my parents, being molested, bullying in school, were all shut down. i simply tried my very best to not think about it. i never talked to anyone about them while i was raw until it was too late; the fire was already smothered out but it was stored in my memory. this cycle happens everyday… i walk through life with blinders on. i could have never expected as a child i would become the walking shell of a human being i am now. i didn’t want to think about my future at all. i numb out any and all stimulation (passion/sin) within me that it only unleashes itself in backwards, horrific ways. once i beat my family dog with a stick repeatedly because he got more attention from my parents than my favorite dog who was not as handsome. later he died of internal bleeding. my mother screamed that my neighbor poisoned him but i knew it was probably me. i’ve had sex with animals during puberty to cope with my sexual feelings while i was molested by a college student (my bus driver’s son.) so it’s no wonder why i only see punishment and experience anxiety when i interact with people. i have yet to let these memories of a broken child die within me, i carry every sin i’ve committed and those of the people i loved with me at all times. the way i’ve lived would be described as a saintly or priestlike manner, abstaining from what would be punished by god (what i am told is okay or not.)
with broken programming like this, its no wonder i live so robotically. i post this here to simply let it be known and to let it burn away. maybe you can all feel better about yourselves reading this digesting this beacon of what to avoid. but i’m human. i can’t give up on myself living a happy life if all i do is think about what i did wrong. even with my past, i deserve to give myself kindness, love and passion so that i can see anything beyond the horizon now but suicide. i have already commit spiritual suicide many times over but i’m only 23.
i can’t die with this on my shoulders. i want to live to appreciate the life i could have if i just let go.
i love all of you and i hope that you can still love me