This is a long confession, more of a painful post.
A few years back before I got in a relationship with my now-husband (let’s call him V), I had slept with a casual friend of his (R). R was supposed to get married to someone else, and I knew about it. But I kind of thought of trying to win R over with my love and then, my body. I had been a virgin until then. I was also depressed at the time, suicidal even. And R had me think he loved me even with my flaws and when I got drunk one day, he kissed me. And that no one else would love me the way he did.
It took a long time to realize how badly I was behaving and I broke it off with R. Meanwhile, V had fallen in love with me without having any clue about any of this. We had become close friends, even. And when V proposed a relationship to me, I came clean about my past and told him the truth. He had said he accepted it and ‘s*** happens’.
Now, after over a year of marriage, a baby girl, and difficult times, I found out V had used tinder a few times out of anger at me (a few weeks after our daughter was born). Then he also told me he had lied to me a bunch of times about meeting his ex girl friends. And today, we had a huge fight about all of this, in which he accused me of having loose morals for having slept with that guy all those years back.
I am thinking of ending the marriage, but I am scared my family will know the truth about my past. I am confident that I can provide for my daughter, but I don’t want her to grow up without a father. And maybe somewhere in my head, I am hoping to still make this marriage work.
Maybe this is a mistake… maybe I shouldn’t be making this list or typing this up; after all, according to V, this will only reinforce the memory, right? But I am tired of second guessing and keeping it all inside me, and feeling horrid about myself and thinking and rethinking and forgetting and remembering other things.. I am tired of being told so-and-so didn’t happen. So here goes. Today, after the massive fight regarding a lot of things we had, the following points came to fore:
1. I am of lower moral standards than V because he did not sleep with someone who was about to be married to someone else
2. I cannot control myself when I drink, so I cannot be trusted around anyone (even now) if I drink
3. If I hug someone, if someone hugs me, it is definitely s***** in nature because I cannot control myself, unlike V
4. My friendship with my best friend (a guy) is in question because he wanted to marry me. Because he once loved me deeply enough to wait for me. So I cannot ever speak of his name in the same breath as V’s ex
5. V’s ex is an angel sent from heaven above, his best friend for life. Someone he told badly about my character, then when he spouted my goodness in front of her, she still asked if he is serious about me
6. Ex and he have danced very closely, will continue to do so. And I have no right to say anything because (go to point 1) I have loose morals
7. He will meet ex and proudly tell me, its my problem I can’t handle it
8. The only reason they didn’t hug/do anything in public was because there were strangers around (but hugging and sticking to each other in front of me after we got married is acceptable)
9. The other reason (yes) they didn’t hug is because V had it in the back of his head that I wouldn’t like it, so I am hindering him now
10. V will lie to me if needed
11. I am seeing him through the prism of my own character and hence I am doubting him, never mind the tinder uses, the lying to me and meeting ex behind my back when I expressly told him not to
12. I am a characterless individual
13. I keep stretching one thing like a chewing gum since 2 years (aka his friendship with girls) and I am responsible if our relationship is destroyed
14. He has every right to scream at me because (in his words) he is working on his anger issues; but I have to control my thoughts and my behavior every instant
15. He can say whatever he wants to in the heat of the moment and I should not hold onto the words, but if I am angry, how dare I say anything?
16. I have no right to question his actions because I did something terrible in my past: before I met him, mind you. But he can continue to flirt with other women after our marriage, he can ‘make a mistake once in life’ and use tinder after the birth of our daughter

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