Could you sleep through someone s******* assaulting you for two hours?

If she was awake and knows everything, I want to apologise and do want ever it takes to make things as right as they can be.

She’s knows what she woke up to, but if she doesn’t know what I did, then maybe I should leave her alone. I don’t want to hurt her by bringing it up. I can’t turn myself in without naming her name which I also can’t do.

This happened 8 years ago. I had tried to hang myself 3 months prior. We had gone to high school together but weren’t close. She reached out while I was in the hospital, told me she had cried for me, then she came to visit. Would take time out of her day for me. I was so f****** blind not to see that was my chance to turn my life around and start again. A literal angel is who she is to me. Instead of letting go and putting myself out there I went back to being scared. We were friends but I never even tried to get to know her. I’m a terrible comunicater. One night at the end of a party I found her asleep in a spare bedroom. I cuddled her for what was probably only a few minutes before I began touching her, putting my mouth on her, then penetrating her. After a few hours she started to cry so I stopped pulled up her pants and started panicking quietly. I kept saying “it’s okay, it’s over, he’s gone” referring to myself I wasn’t trying to blame anybody else for my actions. She got up went to the bathroom. I went outside and started thinking about what I should say. She came outside gave me a hug and I whispered something horrible in her ear. I asked if she had had a bad dream. I’m ashamed. She said “yep” and then “don’t go anywhere”. I watched her walk away then I drove home. I’ve been taking those words more and more seriously ever since.

Now I can’t. I just can’t. I’m going completely insane and neurotic. I can’t forgive myself. I feel horrible for treating another human being like that, for saying the things I said. I don’t know what to do. All I’ve ever done in 26 years of life is struggle alone. Now more than ever I deserve to suffer.

I will never forget her. I can’t imagine the hell I’ve put her through. To make sure she’s believed is all I would want if she does want to report me.

I’ll believe what ever she tells me if we ever do speak again. But I won’t be asking her such questions. I’m asking you stranger (and possibly the person monitoring my life, I’m not paranoid you are) could you sleep through someone playing with you, your body like that? Or do you think she in a way really pitied me. I know she used to selfharm and attempted suicide a few times. I pray she doesn’t now. From what I can see she’s doing alright. Hits the gym, owns a business. I don’t like stalking but these are just things I can see online. It’s killing me not knowing how she’s doing though. I just want to have an honest conversation with her and tell her everything.

I feel like I survived just so our worlds could collide.
If I had died, I wonder if she would have been close behind me. Did I give her a reason to stay and fight for herself, the way she’s a reason for me to stay. I must sound awful I wouldn’t ever speak this way to her, of course I just added to her pain. I can’t keep reflecting on what I’ve done forever. I feel like a coward hiding from the truth. I need to face it.

I want thank her or show her how grateful and truly sorry I am.

I can’t own what I’ve done until I own my life, I can’t own my life until I own what I did. That means apologising to her. It’s up to her if she wants to talk so I’m waiting. Should I keep waiting? Should I send a letter confessing all of it? Should I just shoot her a message asking if she wants to see me?

I’m so fucked, I go to work, I come home. I speak with a therapist and that’s it. Everything else I say to anyone is a lie and will stay that way until I do apologise for what I’ve done. I wish I had just put a knife into my neck all those years ago.

Please someone tell me what I should do.

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