Around 3 years ago I got my first girlfriend. We were in an off & on relationship, but I loved her. Most of the times it was me breaking up with her for a stupid and pointless reason. We usually got back together a week after that. Almost a year after we first started dating I broke up with her… I’m not proud of myself for it… I broke her heart for another girl. I regret it, and will carry this guilt and regret for the remainder of my life.
It’s now been 2 years since I broke her heart, I haven’t spoken much to her for 2018. Just recently she said if we started talking again she might give me another chance… only I feel I don’t deserve it.
When I broke up with her for some b**** I hardly knew, I could tell she was crushed. Despite her maybe being willing to take me back, I feel it’d be best to just let her go. I want to burn for the wrongs I’ve done to her, I deserve no less.
If someone drew a gun on me, I’d tell them to go ahead and pull the trigger. I’ve come to terms with death, and whatever may await me… I hope I suffer. I know there’s worse people than me, but I’ll never be able to forgive myself for crushing her.
In the last two years, since I broke up with her, I’ve avoided getting in a relationship. Apart of me wants to get back with her… but I’m also worried I’ll crush her again. I don’t want to hurt her again, so I might just cease talk with her and hope I become a distant memory to her.
I hate myself for hurting her, I was selfish. For months after breaking up with her I started self harming, cutting my wrists for the pain. It took my mind off what I did, for awhile. I even started thinking it would be best to go ahead and off myself, but seeing as my uncle committed suicide that year on ST Patrick’s Day and I’m the last son of my family… I never did it.
I don’t care about having a son to continue my family name or anything.
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Love is complicated like that. You win some, you lose some. No matter what, there is a lesson to learn and a choice to make. Do you learn from your mistakes, or refuse to? Punishing yourself isn’t doing her any good. If you care about her, you should work on learning from your mistakes, and being whatever you need to be for HER. I was in a super similar situation once, reversed though. She cheated and left and then wanted be back. I never wanted her to hate herself the way she did. There is no benefit to continuing to break yourself down. Work on building yourself up so that you can be what you want to be for her.
Thanks, I needed to hear/read that. otherwise I would’ve probably chosen poorly like usual. Thanks for the help with this