Married early and love her as she’s my best friend. Made if more than a couple of decades before the persistent lack of s** evolved and gradually sent me towards suicidal and angry thoughts.
Discovered a basic need was being unfulfilled and found strip clubs then rub n tug then massage places with more of a menu and the self harm thoughts dissipated. Now they are replaced with guilt and fear that I will be found out. I’ve mostly tried very hard to always do the right thing but turns out everybody is good and bad in some yin yang geometry.
Hoping I age out of this stage or frankly die.
