I have been on and off again with my girlfriend for the past two years. It started innocently, with us wanting to get to know each other but she started with the ‘I love you’s really early and it just sort of sucked all meaning from the relationship for me. She has depression, anxiety, thoughts of suicide here and there and I just don’t know how to deal with that since I suffer the same thing so I shut down, sometimes for a couple of weeks. I know her parents don’t like me since we’ve broken up more times than I can count on one hand but we always get back together.

The problem is… I don’t love her and I have never had feelings for her. We got together during a time when my depression was more active than anything else in my life and it was good to have someone there to make it feel like I was whole and a normal person but I hate when I get messages from her and I dislike how she latches onto me the moment she sees me online via FB or on other social media.

I tried telling her the truth once but we ended up sleeping with one another instead because I couldn’t find the courage to tell her once she started telling me about her depression and how bad it was getting again. As of right now, I feel guilty because I know it’s wrong to lead someone on this far. We’ve been together now for a solid six months which is longer than usual and I know she is expecting me to ask her to marry me later sometime in October or November.

If I do, that means the likelihood of years living with a secret this big and the possibility of a broken household when we start having children since we both do eventually want them. If I don’t, I break her heart and there’s the possibility she’ll try and kill herself. I’m sort of between a rock and a hard place I never imagined.

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