I’ve had a boyfriend for about 4 months now. I’m only 16 so I’m young and long term commitment seems like a lot for me at this age. I’ve been happy with him for the time I’ve been with him but I just feel like the initial spark we had has gone. He’s been through a lot the past year and he told me that I’m the reason he feels better and that he doesn’t know what he’d do without me so I feel trapped. I don’t want him to be alone but at the same time I don’t think I’m in love. Then, this week, I went on holiday.

Now like I said, I’m 16, but I met a man that worked in the hotel. I don’t know how old he is and I don’t think he knows how old I am but I think he thinks I’m 18. Me and my boyfriend had been arguing none stop because no matter what I do or say it always seems to not be enough for him.

So one night, I went and met this man alone at the hotel. We talked and talked and I opened up to him and he did the same with me. I felt so raw, so naked, but I was happy. I felt this electric between us, this spark. My heart felt so full and I fell head over heels in love. He asked me to marry him. Obviously I laughed and said it was way way way to early and that I barely know him, but because we live 4 hours apart I think he just wanted us to have a connection. We carried on talking and then we kissed. And after we’d kissed, things went further.

I went back to the hotel room that night and I didn’t feel guilty that I’d done it. All I felt was pain that I’d never see him again as we were leaving the next day. So on my last day I went and found him before I left. We sat there in silence for about 20 minutes while he had his head in his hands. I asked him what was wrong and he said that in a way he wishes we hadn’t have met because now there’s no way we can be together and he’s fallen for me completely. We couldn’t even say goodbye properly as there were staff around and staff aren’t supposed to have relations with guests.

You’re probably reading this and thinking ‘how can they be in love if they don’t even know each other’s ages?’ Answer is, neither of us wanted to know. All we wanted was one night where everything could be how we wanted it. We sat and looked at the stars and I cried. I cried because I fell in love properly for the first time and it was being ripped away from me.

My boyfriend messaged me today, asking what we’re gonna do. He doesn’t know. I don’t want him to know. But I don’t want to be with him. The thing is, I’m scared of breaking up with him because I’m scared of him making me feel guilty about it, but what’s the point in being with him when neither of us really want it? He says he does, says he’s in love with me, but my gut feeling tells me he’s not and it always has. I feel like I’m just sort of an award to him, like ‘oh wow look who I’ve managed to get as my girlfriend’ and that’s it. Like when we’re together, he sits there with a face like thunder and messages people almost the whole time. Things are good when we go out with his family because I make an effort with them. He makes an effort with my immediate family, but other than that he doesn’t seem to try. He hates my friends. I’ve already had one boyfriend take me away from my friends and I can’t let it happen again.

I can’t see us lasting, I know I won’t be able to look him in the eye after what I’ve done, but I feel like there’s no one I can talk to about it because no one will understand. Everyone will tell me I’ve made a mistake but I know in my heart that I did what I wanted to do.

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