Ever since I can remember, so age four, I have had this s***** fantasy to be somebody’s property and s** slave. even now, as an ftm man who is almost thirty, engaged, and trying to find a job so I can get a car and be normal.. all I want is for a man to take me and keep me locked away in his place and make me take d every day for the rest of my life. I have gotten close to doing it, last time I got as close as the one other time I was so damn close. For these two, seriously almost close to giving my body away moments, I have had so so many more opportunities to give myself away.

Kik (tmarm)has made it so easy to gain access to other sexters for more consistent times, but now the app whisper won’t appear for me to download and I am worried that I’m gonna get in trouble for begging for years for men to take me and make me take it. I have been sexting since I had computer access at age 12. I have been sexting since I had my first phone as a freshman in high school. I have let guys have s** with me that I did not want to have s** with, because I thought you just had to let it happen when a man wants to go inside you. The good men were the ones who didn’t make, me even though I didn’t say no to their hints, and it confused me that even though I wasn’t into it, I did expect it, and so when they did the right thing, I felt shame and embarrassment.

I have gotten raped because of the situations I have gotten in where I say no but it comes out so weak and like a squeak and they just keep going. One guy who raped me and recorded it years ago is actually a private investigator now, last I checked when he made a new Fb and his name popped into people you may know, very triggering since his account has been blocked for years. I blocked him again, after Googling him too and seeing he is now an P.I. which is terrifying.

I feel weird. I feel unsure. I don’t know what to do with myself. I want to just be a slave and be used to clean and swallow and spread and bend when you tell me to. I don’t know how to be a human. I want to give up.