i just really want to get dicked down. like, fuck. i’ve been playing with myself for about half my life now, but i’ve never actually had sex with anyone yet.
i think i was like 10 or 11 when i started to play with myself, but i never really got adventurous with it until i was about 13 or 14. at first, i didn’t know what i was doing. we were already discussing a (very highly) sanitized version of sex ed in my school, so it never got any further than the bare necessities. i was always a curious kid though, so i’d do my own research and eventually stumbled on about this article about female pleasure. i remember feeling grossed out reading about sticking your fingers in yourself, because there was still a part of me that wanted to maintain the pure catholic school girl image, but my curiosity won me over. a couple of searches later i’d find a couple of advice threads with people asking how their first times masturbating should go, and i read one that said just massaging your pussy should do the trick. so i did it. in the middle of the night, while everyone in my room was asleep (my house is quite small, so my siblings and i sleep in one room), i stacked my pillows as high as they’d go to cover myself, i bit into my shirt and i stuck my hands in my panties and started to knead that little mound in between my legs. and /fuck/, was that mindblowing. with it having been my first time, i guess i went too fast, because before i knew it, i felt the tingle of an orgasm rock through me. i was ashamed at first– i thought i’d peed myself or something. but after coming down from that high and making sure i hadn’t wet the bed, i felt so giddy. the rush of feeling like i got away with something that i shouldn’t have done, yet did anyway… i loved it. so i stuck to it. every now and then, especially when i couldn’t sleep, i’d do things a little slowly, or change things up sometimes like simultaneously tracing my pussy lips, but never really changed from my base routine of massaging my pussy.
it wasn’t until i had gotten to high school that i truly decided to get adventurous with things. i attended an all girl’s school, and i wasn’t by any means the most popular. i didn’t have much friends, and i was one of those kinds of kids who’d linger in the back or be picked last for shit, stuff like that. at this time too, for whatever reason, there was a spike in my batch mates snitching to our teachers about things that would otherwise be frowned upon by school policy, even outside school hours. that said, i kept my dirty little secret to myself for the most part. it was at this time though, that i started to see just how far i can get. my mom was gifted a few of these cheap vibrating hand massagers, so i nicked one and hid it. at this point, there weren’t as many people in the shared room as there used to be since a couple of my siblings redid the basement and attic to be their rooms, so that left me and my other sibling. luckily, they can sleep through the fucking apocalypse, so i had no worries being caught. plus, i still kept my top bunk and i’d gotten very practiced at angling myself in the best way possible to avoid detection, so i felt pretty confident in this next stage of late night escapades. the first time i tired the massager was downright euphoric. the whole hand massaging thing didn’t quite cut it anymore for me, so having this as a change in routine was like seeing a whole new world. even if it was a cheap little thing, the strength of vibration changed depending on how hard you pressed down on the head. one night, i’d accidentally pressed too hard on the head, and seconds later i was cumming all over myself. that’s when i began to experiment with the speeds, seeing how long i can keep myself from cumming before i’d just throw caution to the wind and rut against the massager at full speed.
a little after that, it was summer break. my parents and my older siblings still had to work most of the day, which left me and my younger sibling at home. my younger sibling could be easily distracted with the TV or with a friend over, which was an almost everyday occurence, which meant i had the room to myself most of the time. and god, was that life changing. as long as i was quiet enough and didn’t set off any alarm bells that would have whoever adult was over to supervise us, things were good. i’d discovered omegle that summer, before they got really strict with their video chats. i never revealed my face, keeping things to below the neck, and the thrill of it was unlike anything i’ve ever felt. looking back on it now, i know i probably gave a shit ton of pedos the time of their life, but… i can’t do shit about that anymore. being told to strip down and play with myself while seeing the dude on the other end get excited over me? that felt fucking fantastic. i did a lot of those omegle games and stripped and masturbated for a ton of strangers online over that summer. i bet if looked hard enough, there’s a recording of me somewhere floating around.
this part gets a bit tmi, so feel free to skip it if you’d like. the next paragraph should be good. so, at this point, save for the massager and my hands, i’ve been getting off primarily through just me. now, i’d already had my period for a good while at this point, so i’d conditioned myself to not masturbate when on my period, just to avoid the unnecessary messes that would come with it. cue my dog, rest his soul, who i’d kept with me in my room one day, since my sibling’s friend was allergic to dogs, and their chaperone was terrified of them. i was having really bad menstrual pains, so i spent most of my time splayed on the bottom bunk (since that’s where the electric fan hit). i can hear my dog approaching me, so i don’t think much of it, figuring he just wants to share in the air too, i move over to the side, but to my surprise, he starts nosing at my crotch and started to try and get past my panties to lick at my pussy. i didn’t stop him. i knew it was really fucked up, but it just felt so damn good, feeling this huge tongue eating me up, trying to dig even further to lick as much as he can. i get it, to him, i was probably another bitch in heat– but to me, it was the closest i’d get to feeling pleasure that wasn’t just from me. so it became a habit of mine, even when i didn’t have my period, to let my dog lick my pussy. i didn’t even need to train him. the second he gets a whiff of my pussy, he’d go straight to town, and damn, if those weren’t among the best orgasms i’d had. i guess part of it came with the thrill of potentially getting caught as well, knowing that if i’d so much as scream any louder than i had, that the jig is up. every now and then, i’d go online on omegle and just do videos with my dog eating me out. eventually, classes started up again, so i’d have to readjust and go back to getting off at night. and so, equipped with my massager and my dog, i’d sneak off to the bathroom, lock it, get on all fours and present my holes for my dog like it was a buffet. it was whenever i was on all fours that was my favorite. he’d usually aim for my asshole, which left my pussy unattended, unless he decided to divert his attention there. to that extent was where my massager came in handy. just having the tip of it touch my clit while feeling my dog eat my ass… /fuck/, i’ve never felt anything like it.
so, fast forward a few years. i can’t be too suspicious anymore with how often i’m sneaking off at night, so i needed to retire my usual methods and mix things up. for about three years at this point, i’d started sending nudes of myself on snap and finally mustered up enough courage to actually finger myself. and holy hell, have i been missing out. it felt amazing, especially when i’d be fingering myself while i have an actual proper vibrating massager wand on my pussy… just, /fuck/. keeping to the basics doesn’t hurt after all, i’d suppose. waiting it out, then turning my wand on to trace the outside of my panties until i can feel them beginning to soak, then pulling them all off to just go to town and pump a whole bottle of lube in me and start putting my fingers in, one at a time, until it’s a big squelching mess, all while i have my other hand maneuvering the vibrator… goddamn. this is the sort of shit i wouldn’t otherwise get away with when i was younger. there was this one time when i had summer classes at my uni, so i couldn’t leave with my family for this event happening in another part of the country. so for a good two weeks, i had the place to myself and it was the most whore-like i’d felt. as soon as i get home, i’d strip into nothing but my panties and a bra. sometimes, i’d just parade around in only panties. if i felt like stripping in the middle of the living room and stream porn to get myself off, i’d do it, no hesitation whatsoever. my favorite place to get down and dirty was in the balcony of the master bedroom, because i knew my neighbor was watching me. the house next door had this window that directly faced the balcony. so either early in the morning or late in the evening, when i’d know there aren’t as many people awake that i’d be reported for public indecency, i’d make a show out of it. playing with my massager, my fingers, experimenting and trying out cucumbers and other vegetables and shit as toys… damn, what a rush. he wasn’t exactly being secretive about it, but why would i begrudge him the view? he wouldn’t be seeing it for a long time afterward anyhow, so i wanted to give him a show.
which brings us to now. with the lockdown and all, and everyone being home a lot more often, i don’t have as much opportunity as i did before with getting off. it’s pathetic, how i’ve gotten back to my habits of 10 years ago to try and keep things on the downlow, but hey, as long as i can get myself off, i won’t complain. you must be wondering– if i’ve been letting my libido dictate me, why not just fuck the nearest dude at my uni? easy answer: none of them really appeal to me. it’s contradictory, i know. i want to get dicked down, fucked so hard and used like a cumslut, be told i’m worth nothing more than just a couple of holes to be used over and over again, but i’m a picky bitch. call me a prude, but i don’t want the first time i have sex to just be with some faceless dude i’ll write off after a while. at the very least, i want it to be someone i actually like. don’t get me wrong, despite my upbringing, i’m very much not willing to wait until marriage to have sex. i just want it to be good in every way possible, i guess. being fucked by one offs is something i don’t mind afterward. the more the merrier, i like to think. cliche as it is, i want my first time to be something special.