I often fantasize about driving into trees or guardrails at full speed, dying in a fiery car crash and finally leaving this earth.
My mother tells me I have been wishing for my own death since the age of 5
Even though I still do I also fantasize about stealing my dads car and just driving it as far as it will take me. I have some savings it could work out but that would mean putting in the effort and I just don’t care about myself enough to do that I think.
I’m f****** 20 years old I have years ahead of me but at this point i’ve seen so much s*** and have enough of an education to understand that everything is a gamble.
I have no friends, I’m overweight as hell (200 lbs), an I’m on the autism spectrum, I also have a history of anger and control issues.
It could be worse and it could be better.
Right now I live at home with my parents that abused all of my and my four siblings when we were kids.
We grew up Mormon (LDS) and that s*** fucked me up too.
Its just insane the parallels between the mormon teachings and what was actually happening at home.
All of my siblings have now left home, I feel abandoned even though I decided not to go through college because I’m autistic and not a very good student even though I’m smart enough.
I’m just tired and I haven’t even begun my life.
Been working since I was 14 bought my first car by myself at 17 and now that I’m in between things work wise and trying to get a job at a youth independent living facility you know for like homeless kids things are starting to look up. I interviewed last Wednesday and haven’t heard anything back yet.
Life doesn’t seem real anymore.
I’m sad
I know though that if I even tried a little bit I could be hot as f*** and I could make friends and I could get a good job.
I am my own worst enemy, I hate me, I hate everything I represent and I want to die
People scare me
The government is going to fail
stock market will crash
credit will dry up
and in the USA presidential candidates are advertising that they’re going to be giving away free money to people like ? What? Yang u are crazy. the job of president is a popularity contest and it all comes down to who has the most money. F*** we get most of our information from Twitter which is efficient but crazy.
I don’t know how to feel about LGBT+? Rights Canida is insane too and they are far more progressive when it comes to these issues the system is just failing! People are crazy but I guess if thats how you feel thats how you feel f*** i dont know Who is to say where freedoms end and begin, certainly not me and I dont really think anyone has the answers there is no answer
is the answer
so why not just drive yourself off a bridge or into a tree? Sounds like fun.