I was walking through the woods when Nagerzman ran up to me.
“No, mister Nagerzman, please don’t r*** me” I said but it was useless, he took my b*** virginity. Then I walked home with a sore a** when I saw this homeless man sitting on the street yanking this girl’s leg.
“Please I need money! Running SimplyConfess isn’t giving me any money and I got a little sister to feed!”
“Begone foul plebeian, I don’t want to pay for your welfare!” said the girl and sashayed away.
The homeless man looked at me. I think he could sense my vulnerability because I was waddling from a ripped a*** so he said “TEN YEAR OLD ATTACK” and this screeching child with rabies came up from behind me and jumped on me, biting me and ripping out my hair, then she stuck out a syringe and injected it into my neck and I blacked out.
I woke up in a dark basement cellar tied to a chair. Beside me was a middle aged man.
“Corvallus! They got you too??” I asked
“Yeah. I just got my backsnatch bred really hard and they could tell my a*** was too sore for me to fight back.”
I heard the doorknob turn so I pretended to be asleep again.
“Truth Teller…when’s the young man gonna wake up?”
I heard Truth Teller approach me.
“Welp, that mother fucker is dead.”
“Goddammit!” yelled the ten year old. “I knew I should’ve used a lighter dosage. Oh well at least we can harvest his organs and sell them on the black market”
“GAHH NO” I yelled and flailed around.
The older brother looked furious. “TRUTH TELLER YOU TOLD ME A LIE! YOU HAVE FAILED ME!”
He took an uzi from his holster and shot Truth Teller dead.
“HELP!! SOMEBODY HELP US!!! GET US OUT OF HERE!!!” I hollered but the ten year old just injected me again and I blacked out.
When I woke up again, Corvallus was dead in his chair.
“WHAT DID YOU DO??” I asked in horror
The brother pointed his uzi toward me.
“Tell me, son…what is taxation?”
“THEFT” I immediately answered
He got closer
“WHAT IS TAXATION?”
“THEFT”
He got closer and pressed the gun to my temple.
“THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE….WHAT IS TAXATION???”
“THEFT!!!!!” I shrieked, ready for the sweet release of death.
Suddenly a roar filled the air. The top window shattered as a 20-foot alligator came crashing into the basement. What followed was even mightier a sight.
A middle aged woman ninja rolled into the cellar and whipped out her shotgun from her v*****. She opened fire on the older brother, who died screaming. The alligator gorged itself on the ten year old sister.
“Ok buddy your work is done here now get the f*** out” commanded The Gator Lady as she took the gator and threw it back up through the window again. It fucked off.
She looked at me. “It’s alright now son. You’re safe. Nat saw you getting abducted on the street and called upon me to handle this cancerous brother-sister duo.”
We went up the stairs into another room.
“I’ll get you something to eat and drink, then we’ll hit the bricks” said The Gator Lady and left as I sat on the bed.
“Oh yeah, by the way,” I heard The Gator Lady’s voice from another room, “Nat wasn’t the only one who hit me up! Some guy called Nagerzman was quite keen on your rescue as well!”

A familiar man entered the room, smiling sinisterly down at me, and locked the door.

“SHIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTT”