7 years
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The life i dreamed of, have always wanted, will never be… as my world crumbles around me, i feel helpless. Is this the man i was supposed to be? Spiraling downward inside while the shell that is me hides my immense pain and failures? I had clung to the hope that things would change, yet i am still buried in bills while trying to support my family’s needs, while also shoveling out money to keep her bank acct above 0. I try to work and pay bills and keep things clean, but i can’t… both vehicles need repair, we do well to make it week to week, our tiny house is a disaster.. which only further drowns my dreams and anxieties. I was to be the white knight, the one with the answers, the one who conquered life and lived out the simple dreams of love, family, happiness, faith. I was the one dreaming of the future of love i fear ill never experience, a home in which i could be the father I’ve always dreamed i could be, the man people could say “HE is a good man.. a good father, a good friend” My kids keep me going, but i fail them and it devastates me inside. I only hope that somehow they will rise above me and shine as i dreamed i could. I was the one with dreams……but who now, is going to save ME?

New Confession

When I was younger, about 16, I was insatiable and as a result of having my first anonymous hookup with another kid that was 16 (off omegle of all things) I sought to have more.
In this effort I downloaded Grindr and lied about being 18, eventually finding someone who hosted an anon darkroom not even 5 minutes away and who was more than happy leaving their door unlocked and a** ready. After I was invited over and tentatively entered their place I immediately set about u*********, going to nothing in a minute and slowly started up the steps to his room. Once in his room I was approached in the dark by him – a 30-something yr old man who was equally as naked but twice my size – and he reached down and started to blow me once he settled on his knees. Within minutes once I was sufficiently erect I prodded him onto the bed and had him bend over, eventually sliding in without any additional lubrication and begun to – at the age of 16 – f*** this older mans a**. I went for about 20 minutes by my estimation and slowly over the course of the f****** went from doggy, to sideways to having him lie fully down whilst I went to town on him.
Eventually I finished in him and got up and left. Once home I gushed to him about how much fun it was and how I appreciated him taking a chance with me, with some more conversation eventually leading to my age being revealed and – to my own surprise – him revealing that he’d prefer it if we kept going in spite of it. I’d meet him continuously, probably once to 3 times a month or even multiple times in the same week until I moved away at 18. I never saw his face but I remember being inside him so vividly.

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