I’m 18 and I am a girl. I really don’t want to share my name. Because I don’t think it’s right to go with a fake name and if I share my real name with you I won’t be able to tell you this. So what I’m going to tell might appear cheesy and soggy and boring, apologies for that, but it is true. Because it is my story. 

I’m an average teen. I’m a bit of an introverted but apart from that I’m so normal that it’s almost boring. I have had times in my life that left me with zero self esteem and self confidence. I became timid. I thought I looked ugly. I always thought, who would ever like a girl like me? Maybe I am over sensitive. Maybe if another girl would have gone through what I did, they might have handled it better than I did. I don’t know. But I see strong people every day, I see people who are confident about themselves, smart and a little of badass. I try to be like them. I read articles online and decide to not deprecate myself. I feel resolute. But p***! Everything goes up when the time to act comes. 

These were more intense during the years 2015 and 2016. In 2017 I went to another school. There I met better people and today, I’m at least a quarter less timid than what I was before. I’ve gained not much but at least probably 15% of the confidence that I always yearn for. 

I’ve spent those years all alone. Now I have a few friends to talk to back then I didn’t. So I spent times with movies, books, the internet. However I was never aware of this site. Anyway, watching the movies and books took me to another world. It was a world of escape and there good people existed. There were hardships but there was true love. Something I thought I’d never get in this real life of mine. There was true love between lovers, there were good mothers and fathers and brothers and sisters. I could feel what a family would feel like, a really happy and warm family and the moment I’m back to my world, everything goes up. So it was very depressing. 

Back then I’d never fallen for anyone. I always waited for a right time to come. Only now I realize that there is no right time to fall in love , you can fall in love at times you can never imagine otherwise. You can fall in love anywhere and anytime. Because I did fall in love in the weirdest way possible. 

So there was this day at school. I was new and I never looked at the boys of our class. I was so shy. I still am when it comes to my crushes but nothing matters now so whatever. So I came up to a girl who was my friend and she asked me to tell something to a boy, I’ll call him with his initials, SB. I asked her why do I need to tell him for her, and if there was some problem. Because I didn’t really want to talk to any and I didn’t even know which one was the guy. She told me that he’s been looking at her, like, probably staring at her, and she was smiling in a flirty kind of way so I gave a glance at the boy in question. I looked at him, and I swear, I know you won’t believe, but I felt weirdly jealous. Like until a moment ago I didn’t even know him and the very next moment I was freaking jealous. I see lovebirds everywhere and they never make me feel jealous. I was afraid from inside. So that was the first day. And things became even weirder when I started seeing him in my dreams. However they were very disturbing dreams, I was distressed in every dream and I would call out his name. Human mind is crazy, at least mine is irrevocably crazy.

I fell for him. Badly. But I was good at hiding it. Because I knew, I knew I couldn’t do anything about it. Coming from a broken family, I was extra sensitive when it came to being in a relationship with a boy, I would always yearn for somebody’s love but things got so horrible. I feel horrible and sick in the stomach now. Everytime I caught him looking at me, which I’m sure he was only glancing by, I would feel so sad, and days when he approached a girl were ugh..don’t ask about it. But I always knew I’d have to let it go. Somehow I was always sure I’m not the kind of girl a boy would love. But when it came to SB, I’d notice so much that I’d get happy at the littlest things, like at times the colour of our clothes match or we used the same coloured pen, I’d smile at his smile, I’d brood whenever he’d remain absent at class, yearn for him to notice me. And that never happened.

I’m out of school now, and he never gave a s*** about me and he’ll never do so. I doubt if I’m going to meet him again after I graduate. Maybe someday I’ll get over him. I can’t even tell that he’s a crush, the feeling is just so intense now. All I know is that I’ve lost him forever. Not that he was ever mine to lose…He’s inside my head all the time and I tell him to get out of my head and he won’t. I’ll regret it forever but I fear if this thing of mine is going to continue. I come up with this image of me as an 80 year old woman sitting on a rocking chair in a dark room weeping and living all alone. If there is something called soulmate, what if I became an odd one and no one is for me? I want to love somebody with every inch of my soul and be loved in return.

I’m alright otherwise. I am completely alright. It’s just that I wonder sometimes, I’m not desperate, really, I am just worried if I’ll die alone. The fear of being alone is horrific to me. Am I in a delusion? Maybe love and everything is not what books and movies have told me to be.

I miss him.

– AK

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