I LOVE YOU.

When we met online, I thought you were a bit weird, but in a good way, and a bit like me. I got interested in what kind of guy you were. Gradually, we got to know each other and exchanged mail adresses.
That’s when it slowly started to change. You were so charming, you had me mesmerized from day one. Starting out as friends, you made my days brighter. Our way of talking was quite similar, and you made a joke of our many other similarities whenever we found another, since there were a lot.

At some point, you said it couldn’t be a coincidence anymore. I don’t know what you meant by that, but for me it sounded as if you wanted to say it was fate. And to be honest, I thought so as well. You can’t believe how happy I was. At that time, I was already falling for you.
I wasn’t aware of it at first, you know. While most women my age have already had tons of boyfriends, I was actually afraid to talk to men, and I still am. That’s why when I realized I was in love, I was happy and confused at the same time. I would think of you every day, and I would wait for your messages till late at night. It was a first for me. But at the same time, I didn’t know how to handle these unknown feelings. I was swept off my feet and didn’t know how to get up again.
And then, when my friends abandoned me, I suddenly got afraid of everything. Even you and my own feelings. And I delayed responding further and further, until you got worried and asked if I was alright. I felt so cherished when I got your messages. For a moment, I even considered the possibility you liked me in that way, too. However, doubt clouded my mind, and after an apology mail, I delayed responding again.
It has now been a month since then. You told me to contact you whenever I felt like it again, and that’s when I lost all hope. If there once was a chance my feeling could’ve been mutual, it’s my own fault that it is now gone. You are now disappointed, and you will never feel that way towards someone you have never seen.

I really want to tell you how I feel. Because these past days, I have realized just how much I’m in love with you and it’s tearing me apart. I love you to the point I even think of moving to your hometown, just to be close to you. I don’t even know how you look. I didn’t fell in love with your appearance, and I’m thankful for that. I fell in love with the way you talk, those charming words, the jokes you make so casually, and how you step up for the things you like. You never tried to look good in front of me no matter what, you always told me bluntly what you thought. I fell in love with your soul, with your character. The tiny things. I really do love you with all I am.
I don’t know what to do. I know I’m gonna regret it if I don’t use this opportunity. But I’m afraid. You might reject me. And now, after all this time it’s already awkward between us. Just what am I supposed to tell you? I don’t know. I just love you, and you will never know. You were so good to me, and I destroyed it. What fool I am. Why can’t I just act like a normal person for once and get it out?

I wanted to spend my life at your side. I wanted to get into a serious relationship with you. I can’t get over you, not at the moment, because my affection towards you is still growing.
Even if I can’t gather the courage to tell you about my feelings, I will always think about you. Well, that’s just natural, since you are my first love. You are a one in a million guy. You are so wonderful. I never thought I would ever meet someone like you.

I hope you someday find a woman worth your love. And I have to admit, somewhere deep down, I still hope that woman is gonna be me. But that is merely a dream. And all you can do with dreams is make them come true or wake up. And for lil stupid me, once I finally can let go, it’s gonna be the latter.

Thank you for being my first love.