• 8 months ago
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Am I responsible for who I am? Yes. I build on the self previously attained through my struggle in life. Yet also, no: while struggling I am bound to circumstances. I am sorry that I saw not the nature of the game I was getting into. fire fire I have not seen before I should have let untouched. But had I really a choice for being dragged in a show like this? Has it been my own choice? Or was I forced? Probably somewhere in between.
I have struggled socially all my life. I want the best for other people, really. And I was led to believe I could make something better by sharing my pain. My internal conflict. But I guess I have been mistaken.

You have twisted some buttons and now I’m feeling twisted inside. But can I be blamed for the power you provide? I feel proud being able to juggle multiple balls in the air like I have done; one of values and language, the other of power and hostility. But they exist in separate domains.

I am friendly. Friendly fire. Clayball to my internal desire. A fool with good intentions. Whose failed to see his own misapprehensions. Dweller in the valley, climber of the tower.

You’ve provided me with a (well-needed and deserved) cold shower. Facts belie my values. Output of my living negates the input of internet-giving. Defeated by a path made to end; ‘might gold appear here just before the river bend?’

I will struggle on,
alone if I must,
I will take care of myself – for I have FINALLY the intention to do so.

I have a conscience for the entire world and its people,
the cultures that clash in which they are embedded,

but now I should realize finally, too,
that it is a conscience for ME I should be having.
That lack does not imply a kind of psychopathy,
although I have to give it to you im nuts for taking risks.

Linear worlds have split and shall collide soon again,
my humility and wisdom will be wrecked by your superiority.

But I am what I am and if you cannot accept,
just now that I wept.

p.s.

If you would have just sent me a letter a couple of months ago and asked me to join in with the same ‘program’, without the actual demonic string-pulling as you have done [FOR WHICH I CLAIM NO RESPONSIBILITY], I would have said yes.
But I guess we’re not entirely the same, you owe an apology to me and I owe one to myself too.

‘these mysteries of life… just ain’t my thing’

and your “methods” are neither!

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