I feel like I’ve lost my grip on everything. My grades have gone to crap. My personal life has gone to crap because I’ve been trying to recover my grades. I’ve been really depressed about all of the above. I’ve been getting suicidal thoughts again. The only reason I haven’t killed myself is because of my friends (who I barely see anymore) and family. I know those thoughts are irrational, but I know that all I am is a horrible stupid parasite. I actually wish I was in an abusive relationship because I deserve it. I deserve to be raped and molested and hit and kicked. I struggle with my suicidal thoughts mainly at night, so that’s why I go to bed early and wake up early. But my parents and brother yell at me about that too. I fight with myself and that takes away time from my homework and studying, and then the next day something bad always happens regarding homework or quizzes or just anything, so in the daytime I always feel like that’s a sign to just do it. I half-heartedly make a plan to just not show up at the car after school, leave my stuff and walk away. But I’m always such a chicken and never go through with it. So I decide to give life another try and I go home and get yelled at by my family about my grades. I attempted suicide once at the end of freshman year, but they all think that I’m okay again. I’m so f****** not. Then the damn cycle starts all over again. I know it’s irrational. But I’m so f****** scared that one day I’m going to snap and forget them, and leave without even realizing what I’m doing. Two nights ago I almost snapped but I barely convinced myself not to give up. And I got a big metaphorical sucker-punch to the stomach yesterday. Yesterday morning my mom got understandably mad at me because I was a b**** to her, and in the car she said the truth of what I am – a stupid loser loner. I have bad grades, I have no friends at school because I’m constantly trying to recover those bad grades, I don’t work out because I’m still trying to recover those bad grades. I got to school and I realized she was right. So I was crying basically all day. One teacher asked about it and I just told her that it was because of school. I was crying too hard for it to be only about school, but she took that and I couldn’t tell anyone what it was really about. I called my friend after school and told him because I just needed to let it out. But f*** I get so f****** paranoid. I feel like I’m a burden to everyone and everyone talks about me behind my back. I really hope I’m not crazy.