I don’t complain too much, but today, specifically Homecoming weekend, I’m really feeling something, and to be honest, that something isn’t good. I already live in poverty (basement of Uncle), haven’t had a girlfriend/ first kiss, am 16 (going 17) and I always feel like the odd one out. Now, today/ this whole WEEK has been one of the worse sensations I feel possible to the human body, second to pure TORTURE; I’ve been told I’m stupid, been left out from everything (it seems) and been given such looks just for being, as I am. I personally don’t think I’m ugly, or dumb (136 i.Q.), or really untalented (I can play piano, act and sing: pretty good too, I am somewhat athletic too: I workout everyday to try and look better), but I just feel like s***… Yeah, I have acne (a lot: probably from stress), and some other embarrassing shortcomings, and believe me, for the past 3 years (beginning of a new school) I’ve been trying to build a new self-esteem and ego to get past my even WORSE childhood of getting bullied and outcast as a “fat weird kid,” but I just feel BAD. I’ve tried so hard to look up to a brighter tomorrow but it never seems to show itself, and all I see is MORE obstacles, and more problems/ stress, stress, STRESS! (<-Whew) Now, right now, I feel the lowest of all, simply because I am an "Aquarius; I'm a LOVER, not a fighter," but what if I CAN'T love; then what? Who am I? What's my purpose? THIS is what I've been trying to answer; I am so ALONE. I've been told to WAIT, and I've been told to PRAY, and I've been told to HOPE, and I've been told to GO OUT THERE, and I've been told THERE ARE PLENTY OF FISH IN THE SEA; but what if (SEEMINGLY) all the "fish" are simply "CLOWN FISH?" I keep waiting, in hope of finding THE ONE, but all I see is a bunch of "'one's,'" but where is the ONE?! I keep telling myself to HOLD ON, or look to other things, but all I wan't is love, I mean, I CAN'T look to other things anymore; I've never had that bond, that *PING* before (well, I'VE had the *PING* before, with other girls, but never the *PING* back), and maybe it's because I don't KNOW girls very well considering I've never dated one, but after all this time, and all of the let-downs and (tragic) rejected "perfect girls" I've met before, I just don't know anymore… I'm losing hope. I don't care about the new iPhone (considering I've never had one), or a car, or the most expensive shoes on the market, I just wan't someone to be there for, and someone who's there for ME. I know SO many guys out there who take SOOOOO much advantage of the bond between a woman that they are so lucky to have formed that they feel it necessary to abuse that gift; either physically, or mentally (words, etc). I'M SICK OF HEARING "wait for the one;" I just wan't to feel worth it. I wan't a purpose; we as a society have changed from "survival" being our main purpose, to "getting 100 like on my 'selfie,'" being our purpose (obviously over exaggerated but still… I am alone, and just don't know. I wan't someone to love, I wan't a purpose, I wan't to be happy. Is that to hard to ask?
