dear god,
you know the story of my life. it is a rather pathetic tale, checked with mistakes both mine and others’.

since i left my parent’s house in 2002, i have been searching for happiness. my life prior to leaving home was unhappy for multiple reasons, but i was optimistic that i could find happiness on my own once i took control of my own fortune and fate and use my newfound freedom to change my circumstances. of course, today i am deeply regretful that i did not use my time wisely before 2012 to spend as much of it as i could with my parents. i was afflicted with adolescent shortsightedness and believed, erroneously, that they were the source of all my problems.

thus i left to struggle in the jungle that is life, and while i did find some happiness once in a while, for the most part i found overwhelming loneliness. i believe this was due to the characteristics of my own personality that developed as a result of both factors i could control and factors that i had no control over.

my parents raised me with good values and judgement. but this crushing loneliness caused me to have an affair with a married woman. truth be told, this affair caused me a great deal of internal conflict and stress, but i stayed with it for many months due to the fact that it helped to relieve the burden of my loneliness. I was weak, I admit it. Lord, you know the sense of regret i have regarding that. I disobeyed your command greatly.

Then, I met Raisa who I began to love dearly. She rescued me from despair and loneliness and I began to hope in the possibility of happiness again. Yet I was so sunk in shame and embarrassment at my affair that I told her it never happened. yet You shone your light on what I did and made it known to her. from then on, things went downhill. her trust in me faded away, and so did her love. she cheated on my 5+ times. i would never ever cheat on her.

i have been in misery since then, for the most part. this misery is the status quo of my life. we are now trying to mend our torn relationship, but it is hard, and every day i lose hope in its recovery.

i am accustomed to misery, and deep down i have accepted it. i give on my search to attain happiness. now all i seek is Your forgiveness and the opportunity to bring happiness to my parents. lord please guide me back to you and to achieve these things; i am hopelessly lost. if you breathe life into my tattered relationship, i will have much gratitude; if not, then you are God, almighty and all-powerful.