I’ve self harmed, abused, been abused, lost myself, masturbated, lied, broken the law and not felt guilty.
I’m a freak who is most likely a masochist and can lose myself in pleasure and pain. I’ve been abused by family and have taken it out on my friends. I feel ecstatic at both instances. I hit highs and then come the lows where I take it out on myself. Cutting, bruising, hitting myself. Wishing that a mark will be left and not being satisfied when things heal. I want to be hurt and cry becaude they make me happy. I do stupid s*** because I think of it as an escape.
My childhood was so s***** but now everything seems to be almost perfect. But despite this, it’s not enough. I want to go back. I want to go back to those painful days of being hit and depressed. Nothing is ever enough.
I’m a selfish idiot and I hate it but I can’t stop. I can’t change. Because a part of me doesn’t want to be changed.
This is stupid and so am I.
I’m sorry.
