When I was a child my mother worked 2, sometimes 3, jobs, including working as a carpenter with my grandfather. She rarely ever wore makeup or had any kind of beauty regiment. She just made sure she was clean and neat, which is fine. She always was and still is beautiful in my eyes.

However as a result, as I was growing up I never felt any desire to wear makeup, so I rarely did. I never got very good at applying more than just basic foundation and powder. I never cared to style my hair or wear any sort of clothing style. We were poor and my mom couldn’t afford to give us an allowance or go shopping for new clothes, so we wore hand-me-downs and things from the thrift store. I was fine with it- as a teenager I understood how things were and I never felt jealous of other girls who were able to buy cool clothes, makeup, and get their hair styled. I was never vain. I just didn’t care how I looked, unless I was going somewhere like church, a funeral, or some kind of event.

But now as an adult, I hate this about myself. Even when I want to make myself look nice I never know where to start. I don’t have any idea how to shop for clothes that look good on me- WHEN I can afford it, which is rare. I never got into the habit of applying makeup or styling my hair so it always feels like a huge chore and I never take the time. I just pull my hair into a pony tail, wear something neat and presentable, and go. The times I do try to make myself pretty I feel weird and strange, like I’m just calling attention to the fact that I’m not attractive. I don’t want to ask anyone to teach me because I’m almost 30. It’s embarrassing that I’m this old and don’t know how to make myself look good.

It’s just weird. I don’t blame my mom for this at all, but I wish I would have taken an interest in my appearance when I was younger so I wouldn’t struggle so much with this now.