12 years
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I want to feel pretty. I don’t want to be drop dead gorgeous, just pretty. Confident. I want to feel good about the way I look, enjoy shopping for makeup and dolling up to go places. But I have a hooked nose. The bridge is up and the end is down, and pointy Thin lips. An overbite. Crooked teeth.. Bushy eyebrows. Sensitive, blotchy skin. Dark circles around my eyes. I’m basically a monster.

I want b****. I’d settle for B cups. Right now I’m flat chested. . Being born a woman with basically no breasts to speak of really s****. Despite what anyone says, I still feel like less of a woman because I have no cleavage. My husband says I’m fine the way I am but I hate my small, non-existent b****. Pair them with my huge a** and hips and I’m so badly proportioned. I’m such a freak.

I want to lose weight. I don’t want to be super skinny or model size. I don’t mind having curves. But I’m sick of my thighs rubbing together and my arms jiggling. I’m sick of my stomach flopping over most of my pants. It’s disgusting. It’s unhealthy. And I want to be able to go shopping for clothes without getting depressed. I want to be able to enjoy putting together cute outfits, not settling for whatever fits and hoping to cover up my hideous body. I can’t be proud of this sack of gross that is my body. Where do big girls get their confidence? I avoid mirrors.

I want to feel better. I want to have energy and feel motivated and happy. I want to catch that fire that pushes people to accomplish their dreams. All I do is think about what I want to do but never do it. I’m a sad sack. I’m a coward. I’m a lazy bag of filth. I’m afraid of failure. I’m certain I’ll fail, so why even try? I’m always tired, so I never get things done. I don’t tell anyone about my depression and anxiety because I don’t want anyone to worry about me, and I don’t want to bring anyone down. I don’t want attention. So I just keep it to myself.

I’m legally blind so I can’t work. I can’t drive or ride a bike. I’m stuck at home all the time. I manage to get most of the housework done, but that’s it. I’ve applied for disability, been turned down, filed an appeal, waiting to get turned down again… so much red tape, three years worth. In this time my husband has been working his a** off to support us and what do I do? I’m nothing but a burden. A fat, ugly, hideous burden.

So here I am wallowing in self loathing and self pity, posting my pathetic thoughts on an anonymous website. What good am I, to anyone?

New Confession

One of my mom’s sisters came down to visit her and my mom had a doctor’s appointment and she laughed and my aunt came into my bedroom and she started telling me about her catching her husband with the daughter and I said are you kidding me she said no and so I asked her well what are you going to do about something like that she says well I want to get back at at him for doing that and my daughter I wanted you know get back at them for doing that and I said do they know that you know she goes yeah I walked right in on them right when he was coming inside of her and I said really she goes yes and she said that’s kind of the reason why she’s down here visiting my mom just to get away and I said okay and I said what do you mean get get back at them she says well I want to have s** with you and I looked at I said what and she said yeah. Then I asked you I said does my mom know about this and she said well your mom told me that you and her have been fooling around since your father died and I wanted to have some s** with you myself and I said it’s okay and so she just wrote right in front of me and I never thought my aunt this Aunt anyways would do something like this with me and and so I just wrote and she’s just sitting on my bed right in front of me naked and so I started kissing her and started getting it on and I ended up f****** her and coming inside of her and she says we need to keep doing this until you get me pregnant and I should have what and she said yeah I want to get pregnant by you. I said Mom knows about this and she said yes. So me and my aunt pretty much had s** every day twice a day sometime. She was here for almost a whole month and we did it every single day on the day twice sometime and we both are enjoying each other s******* doing a little bit of k**** things now and then and she was really enjoying me shooting my sperm inside of her she said every time that I did to put it so deep inside of her that she would get pregnant. I got pregnancy test done and she was pregnant when she left here going back to her husband and her daughter so he would know that he was doing the same thing that he was with cheating on her with their daughter and pregnant with my baby inside of her I know he didn’t really care for me at all that’s why she wanted me to do it with her and have s** with her she got really good at it and k**** too on some of the things that we used to do I tied her up a few times really enjoyed that cuz I can do anything I wanted to and I did I made it s*** my c*** a lot and then stick it back inside of her when I was done about to come just to make sure we got her pregnant before she left.

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