I’m 27 years old and I’ve never gone on a date, kissed a girl or had s**. I have an incredibly low self-esteem, a massive level of cowardice and have been dealing with chronic depression since I was 5.
I m********* a few to several times a day, try to quit and eventually start back at it again when I feel too emotional. In addition to the o*****, I love the feeling of emotionlessness I get for five to 10 minutes afterward, where my mind is totally clear and logical before my mind tinges s***** again.
I haven’t made any long-lasting friends since middle school, and I’ve basically lost all those friends because I never maintained contact enough.
I’ve just gotten used to being alone, to the point where it’s all I’m comfortable with. When I try to be around people my age, I inevitably get uncomfortable and outcast myself. Only with older people or kids – people I’m not physically attracted to – can I be comfortable.
People sometimes ask me about whether I’ve been dating, and my heart rate immediately spikes as my nerves freak out and I try to provide a simple answer and change the subject. I don’t know how I could ever start from ground zero with someone and admit how completely pathetic I am.
I’ve waisted more than $1,000 on escorts, even though I know how damaging the industry is to young women, who in any other situation I treat with respect, if not fear.
I can tell the escorts are freaked out by me and how nervous I am. I’ve literally shivered when they try to get close to me. Every single time I’ve been so nervous that I could never get more than half an erection. There was one time, during a 69, that I ejaculated.
I’ve looked into buying v***** just to force my d*** to have an erection despite my nerves, just so I can experience what a v***** feels like. I’ve even looked up information on s** tours in Thailand, figuring I could get the d*** drugs and prostitutes cheap and get plenty of experience. But I know it’s wrong, and I want something real.
The scariest part is probably that because I missed out on the intimate experiences of high school and college, I’m finding myself attracted to girls as young as 15, like an ephebophile. I’ve never once preyed on a young girl, and it makes me feel like s*** thinking about it and even m*********** to the thought of high school girls.
I can’t even be around my female cousins who are in their 20s or 30s. I find them s******* attractive and m********* to the thought of being with them. Then I start avoiding them and the rest of my family, totally ashamed of myself.
I figure at 27, any girl I go out with must at least be in her early to mid-20s, preferably old enough to have graduated college. But therein lies the problem again of starting from ground zero with a woman who, rightfully, expects to be with a man by that point in her life. She can’t know me, as any woman in her right mind who knows much about me or how I think would never want to be with me.
It’s to the point where I regularly think about suicide. Take whatever money I can get, go on a grand international vacation and kill myself at the end, because I know life will never get better.