I don’t know if I’m just going through a phase of any overreactive high school girl, but recently I have been very depressed. Not that kind of depressed where I need to talk to someone professional, but the kind where I just want to express it. First, sometimes I just don’t know who I am anymore. Meaning, I can change in a second just to protect my status in this world. But because of that change, I’ve been hurting those around me without them knowing. Talking behind my friend’s back to another friend, and also doing it vice versa, is one of the things I do. Doing something like that is stupid of me, but I am also a coward for it. But even though I am at fault for doing it, talking behind others back is something you have to do to survive in this society, I guess. However, it’s not like I am the only one doing it, since my friends do it to others and to me too. So, I don’t even think they’re considered as my friends. For the reason of that, I don’t really believe in friendships between humans. This is because almost everyone is keeping a blind eye to their friends and wouldn’t even know that those friends are saying bad stuff about them.

Second, I have no one to actually talk my feelings and problems out (which is a reason I am in this site). My family never really believes in me and always thinks I am overreacting. I’m sick, overreacting. Problem in school, overreacting. Sometimes I don’t even know if they actually love their daughter, or I am just there so I can support them once they’re older and they retire. I have to also live up to their expectations by finishing school and become a pharmacist. Basically, they won’t support me unless it’s about education. Then again, I may just be suffering paranoia. On the subject with “friends”, why even bother?

In addition, I don’t have a place in this world. Everyone around me has such perfect lives. Beautiful bodies, beautiful faces, clothes that are over $100, always busy with sports and activities, and they are always surrounded with people. Unlike me who is really awkward and shy around people. So I am actually thankful for those who come up to me and says, “Hi”. Though, like always, I would ruin it. Additionally, I am a fake person. Although I am shy, I am a fake towards my “friends”. I can’t really show my true self that likes different and exotic things because like the coward I am, they would judge me and leave me. Like everyone in the world, I don’t want to be alone. No one wants to be alone. Due to that reason, I would show my phony character who loves things that everyone loves and hates things that everyone hates. I would even try not to eat just to be skinny like everyone else, but that’s just complicated since my parents would notice and make me eat. I am aware that I am harming myself by being harsh to myself, and maybe I am just paranoid with everything, but I believe that my mind has already been corrupted with darkness, and I can’t change my perspective of the world. But, even if I try to fit in and try to become like everyone else, I still can’t become like them. I try and try and I noticed that it’s useless. My “friends” would sometimes leave me since they have their other friends that I don’t have, so I am still really lonely and secluded from this world. At those times, I would be alone and do the things I love. I really wish for someone to finally accept and love myself and interests.

I have other problems in life that I want to confess, but that’s just too long. To conclude, there are times when I just don’t want to live. Everyone would say that you should appreciate life, but why would I appreciate such a dreadful life? I won’t argue with those who say that I am lucky enough to live with a roof above my head, with food and education, but if only I could exchange my life for those who actually wanted to live, I would do it. Yet if I wanted to die, why couldn’t I just already do it? Probably because I am still human and afraid that it will hurt to do it. And maybe it’s still worth it to live and wait that something good may happen in the future. For instance, my grades in school are exceptionally really well, so I may graduate college, raise a family, die of old age, and never regret of living. I won’t know what’ll come to me in the future, but I sure do hope there would come a moment where I can be grateful for my life. I don’t know if anyone would read this long, rubbish confession of mine, but if you actually read it, thank you.