I recently found out my mother (whose been missing my entire life) has bipolar disorder with psychotic tendencies. Apparently it’s so bad that shes been hospitalized this whole time, medications did nothing for her. Many women in her side of the family have gotten it around their late 20s.

After doing some research, I discovered there is an 80% chance that I will get it too. The scariest part is I am already showing early signs.

Growing up, I was told by everyone (obliviously not aware of my mother, I wasn’t) including teachers, camp councilors, other kids, my friends, etc. that I acted ” bipolar”. I used to laugh thinking it just meant I changed my mood alot. Now I can’t stop thinking about how hard it must have been for my dad to hear me call myself bipolar at such a young age. I never understood why he was so stern whenever I described myself that way, telling me that I was in no way shape or form bipolar. I can imagine it was even worse when I started explaining to him how I would get into such high moods every so often, talking and talking and talking and becoming irritated when anyone else tried to speak. The rest of the time I was introverted, kept to myself and didn’t speak even when spoken to. I didn’t really care about anyone when I was in these moods, If my sister, my dad or my friends were to drop dead I would handle it horrifyingly well, I know from much experience.

Now I always feel like that

I’ve come to the conclusion that nothing matters because in about 10 years I’ll lose my mind

It’s worse then dying

At least in death you are still yourself. The more I think about it, The better it sounds.
I know you don’t know me, but if you did you would know I don’t have much in particular to live for. Not to sound like a complaint, but I no longer have any friends. I just don’t. People try not to like me because I’m “cynical and weird”. I actually had a reputation for being “loner girl”, cute title I know. I used to have friends, but I guess I drove them away. I lost interest in them, “hanging out” was a chore. I would much rather stay here, my laptop has become my most prized possession.

I’m tired all the time

Everything is just so boring. the people who talk to me have nothing to say, nor I to them. I’ve given up on school, what does enhancing your knowledge help if you’re going to lose it?

Death would be easiest now, No ties to hold me down, No people who will be hurt.

Except for my dad I guess. It’s not fair to him.

But suicide sounds like sleep at this point.