I have been deeply hurt by an event that ocurred not so long ago. I saw my girlfriend exchanging intamete looks with an old “friend” of hers. And they where waaay to close to each other. I became fuirios with the site of it. Later found out he actully did try to kiss her. And this is not some one who knows nothing about our relationship. He is a friend of friends and therefore constantly in our social enviorment. So he knew we were together. He eaven worned me that there were people trying to take advantage of my girlfriend being drunk at a party. At in the time I took to go ask for a friends help to take her home, I came back to see him taking advantege of her. I pushed them apart but to this day I wish deeply that I had punched his face to peaces, or crushed his ribs, or maby just bring him down and kick him long and hard enought that the scars would last as long as my pain has been lasting. I wanted him to remember every single day that he is not a good human being, that what he did was dispicable.
That night was very very intense for me with so much emotion, and rage and hatred that I destroid a tree with my bare hands. riping every leaf, every branch, jumping from high to bring the big branches down. I didn’t want to stop until there was nothing left. I knew that rage is an emotion of the moment and that the next day I would not feel the same intensity of emotion again. So I wanted to make sure the treewas cripled enought to remind me every day when I passed by it that what I felt that night was very extrem and that it was not somthing I should think smally about.
My girlfriend didn’t remember what happend at the party. she had no ideia why I was mad and why I didn’t want to speak with her. by the end of the day I under control enouth to tell her what hapened. She was suprised, she really didn’t remember. I told her that she did nothing wrong (as she did not actually do anything) and that with time I would get over the emotions.
The problem started to take a diferent turn when she, startled by what had happend went to talk to him to ask what had happend and why he had done what he did. He told her everything that happend including the fact the he did give her a kiss though she told him he shouldn’t. she told him she was very mad that he had done that. He apologiesed. AND SHE ACCEPTED IT.
Now this was very disturbing to me because I was still very far from over what had happend. He mad no point of talking to me, of appologiseign to me. And because she forgave him, she was ok with him starting talks with her on facebook. And they went back to being friends as though nothing had happend. As though everything was allright again. Completly oblivios to the fact that my world was still shaderd and that every time she told me that they had talked it broke the pieces i had manage to pick up to the moment.
And when i told her how her seeing him made me feel. That maybe it would make me feel better if she didn’t tolk to him for a while, until I got my self strainted out again. She got mad at me she said that she thought it was very bad for any of us to ask the other to stop talking to somebody She said she wasn’t going to pretend she didn’t know him. That if he talked to her she would talk back. That she thought I was selfish for asking her to do such a thing. And she said if i asked that it would force her to do one of two things she thought was very bad, one is start to ignore a person she knew and was friends with and the other would be to start lying to me about her talking to him. And she made it clear (though not verbaly) that she would prefer to lie to me than let go of her “principles” that she should not start treating people badly.
For some one who was already hurt by what had happened this seemed even worse. I was suffering because of what happened and I was suffering every time I saw him, or heard that she had talked to him. And now I knew I if I told her I was sufering she would get angry and would start lying to me. So I bottled it up. I would be “ok” about her being friends with the guy who made me destroy a f****** tree out of rage. And it truely bothered me that he was in fact a close friend for her.
For me she was being a f****** traitor. She found her friend ship with him worthy enought so that she wouldn’t keep her distance to help me cope with all of this. it makes me feel like s*** and it make me feel insucure every time she is with him. WHY THE F*** DOES SHE LIKE THIS F****** BASTERD SO MUCH. it makes me boil up in side. it mekes me eat myself up in tension.
And inspight of all this she is a great girlfriend. And she has been the best companie I’ve had since a long time. I cannot imagine breaking up with her because of something “silly” like this. Because of this I have absolutle no one I can talk freely about all this. The problem is that the people who are close enought to me so that I could talk about someting like this are also the people that are close enought so that I want them to like my girlfriend and support my decision to be with her. So I don’t want to envolve thouse people in a subject that might diminish what they think of her, the end result Is exploding bottled up hatred and rage against this guy and the friendship he has with my girlfriend.
Every once and a while I end up showing that I still hurt when she is with him. And to this she responds that its sad for her to se me hate someone. And she is right, i hate hate. I allways try to see peoples good side, I usualy feel bad when I am talking badly about someone. And she says she didn’t want to se me hate a good person. that he was a good guy with a dificult passed. And dispite all my “ideology” and previous views of the world and how I should try and find the good things in people, this time, none of this matered. I didn’t give a F*** if he was good o bad. I didn’t give a F*** about his past. I dont give a F*** if he deserves my hatred r not. All i know is that I have never felt this before and it seems that nothing will be enought to make me feel better. I think of all the things I could do to make him suffer. but none seem extrem enought, none seem like it would set things right.
Seeing that this is eating me up and that NOBODY GIVES ONE LITTLE S*** ABOUT THE F****** AMOUNT OF EMOTION THAT THIS IS CAUSING ME. I AM THE ONLY F****** ONE SUFFERING. so I decided that since he would not dissapier from my life, and since he was to much of a wimpy, selfish couard, to come up to me and appologies I would talk to him. So I sent him a message (he is too far away for an in person aprouch) with every thing I had to say. Saying that I whanted to know what went trhough is mind that night. why he thought it was ok to not appologies to me. And why he continues to see my girlfriend as though every thing was alright.
I told my girlfriend about this message and she thought it was a good ideia. But he didn’t answer on the first day. And face book is a magic place where we know when someone is on and has had the chance to see what you sent. I knew he had seen that I sent him a mesage. but didn’t answer. And sure enought my girlfriend comes tell me on the second day, that he had asked her to have luch with him at his house tomorow. And she asks me what I thought of this. As a good dumb a** a answer that it was her decision. But she insisted on knowing my opinion and said that if it was going to make me feel bad she would go and it would be ok. obviosly my eyes shined to this. But still i contained my self to say that he still haddent responded me, and that I wasn’t conftorable with the fact that he took the time to ask her to his F****** HOUSE and did not take the time to respond to my life changing closure massage about overcoming rage, and hatred. To this she said ok, that she wouldn’t go. And she tould me that he had told her tha I had sent him a message. He said he hadn’t read it yet because he whanted to respond it when he had time to respond properly. I dont f****** care if he responds me properly, I want out of this agonie, I want him to answer quikly so qe can properly talk. I want him to f****** talk to me about this en not my girlfriend fr crist sake. I sent him a mesege and the firts thing he dose is talk to my girlfriend about it and invite her for a f****** lunch. This guy is a f****** A** HOLE, it seems like he want to make me agonise, the more the marier. I dont thing ill be able to talk pacificly with him as I originaly intended. I am foreseing some verble agretion and I am ever so hoping that he does not handle it ” like a good person with a tought past” so that I can have more resons to hate him. I dont want to stop hating till all the suffering is paid.
I Know hatred is stupid, I know “I am ‘giving’ him my time when I waste it thinking about this” I know all this f****** selfconsios s***. But I still feel like he needs to sufer. a lot.
A realy need help with this.
How do I cope?
Am I wrong to want distance from him? am i wrong to want my girlfriend to distance from him?
how can I forgive and still make it very clear to him and my girlfriend that it was not something thats ok, its not like “uipie nw we can all be friends”
Well thats my story and as you see, I have yet to finish it And I am truly hoping for a happy ending, though all the endings I see end in something bad in some particular way.