I have no real reason to be depressed. I have no real reason to be sad.
I have everything I need and want and could ever need or want. I have the most loving and understanding family, and I know that no matter how tough s*** gets, everyone is always there for each other. I have an incredible boyfriend who I love to death and who seems to love me and care about me. I know I can trust him with anything and everything, I know he respects me and wouldn’t intentionally hurt me.
But I don’t know why I feel so empty and naive and depressed. I want to break down and cry every time even the smallest thing happens. I’m so much stronger than I was a year ago, and even though I want so badly to just slice my skin open, there is always a reason not to.
There’s a part of me that wants to be sad but only isn’t because I have people I don’t want to hurt or put through this situation, yet again.
I don’t want to be a victim, I don’t like acting like a victim but I put on this persona that makes people think I feel sorry for myself. I don’t pity myself, I don’t want pity, I’m just confused. I don’t know why I’m so sad, I don’t know why I want to rip open my skin or sit in bed writing my goodbyes to everyone I love.
I don’t even know how to help myself because I don’t know what’s wrong.
Counseling and therapy didn’t help, breaks from school and friends didn’t help, being anti social didn’t help, neither did the opposite.
I’m happiest when I’m with him. Just us two alone, watching movies, eating pizza, smoking weed, loving each other. I don’t want to seem overly attached but it’s when he leaves that the sadness dawns on me and all I want is to lay in bed alone with the music turned up, starting at the ceiling.
School is stupid. The system makes no sense. School makes teenagers depressed. It puts them down and stresses them out. Being told how smart you are based on what you can remember from your last class or what you can write down on a piece of paper makes them feel worthless.
All I’m trying to focus on is getting good grades for something I don’t give a s*** about because it’s the only way my parents will be proud of me… My dad anyway. I have no motivation and lack the responsibility and knowledge required.
I come off as ungrateful because with everything I have, I’m still sad. I am ruins grateful for everything I have and will have and for every opportunity I’ve been given. I just. I don’t know. I don’t know why I am the way I am. Trying to figure it out is driving me insane.
I wish someone understood. I wish someone could help me figure it out, I’m on the verge of another breakdown, and this time, I’m not so sure I’ll get back up.