I just turned 20, and I’ve never had s**, been kissed, or even been asked out. I’ve never had any romantic relationship or even been invited into one. I absolutely fear someone being close to me, so I know my personality is really to blame. But society does sort of give everyone the impression that girls are supposed to be asked out. Not that they don’t have to make moves towards the guy/girl they actually like, but just that someone will like them whether liked back or not.
I was s******* abused as a child, but it was so brief and minor in the big picture, that I feel like that shouldn’t affect me at all. Honestly, it’s just because I’m so fat. I’m so fat. And like I DO NOT shame people who get in loving, s***** relationships at any weight, but I’m just too sensitive and want to feel like I’m irresistibly attractive. Almost like I’m too good for whoever I date, but that’s fucked up a bit isn’t it?! I do really think that if I was thinner and more fit, I’d w**** it up big time. Like I think about just wearing skimpy clothes and having s** with everyone whenever I want to. I love the idea of making a guy hard and orgasming super loud and of passionate make-out sessions with anyone, especially “butch” lesbians. But as I am, I just feel like I’d never be truly worthy of any relationship, so they could just leave me. And if I could, I’d be one of those girls they call slutty or attention-seeking, all because I’m terrified of being rejected. Like I reject myself long before anyone else has the chance to.