I was down visiting my dad on the Cancer ward, kid sister had a mealy mouthed pop at me about why I wasn’t about when apparently she did all of the running about. Well when I was paid off and starving when my wifes parents died when I was in hospital twice for a stroke and impacted bowel where were any of you? I keep my s*** to myself, by the way have you any idea what it’s like to wait for cancer tests results, I sat with my wife in the breast screening dept, she was shitting herself I was f***** craping bricks.

S*** I couldn’t put anybody through, anyway after her bollocking I hit a bar on the way home sat outside with my beer and a seagull decided to lay the biggest s*** it could lay on my head. It was a whopper. A couple of loud mouths thought it was the best joke they’d seen. I’m covered in seagull s*** after seeing my dad in a cancer ward.

Barman poured me a beer and wouldn’t charge me, technically it’s not a pint he said it’s 3ml under. I insisted he charge me for half a pint nope wouldn’t have it. It’s poured it’s been rang through. I appreciate it but my s***’s my s*** don’t ever jeopardise you job for an a****** like me. S*** happens quite literally