I’m really lonely. In fact I’ve never really had more than one real friend at a time in my 22 years of life. It seems like it’s been getting better recently. I’m at the school of my dreams and doing what I want to do in life. I have a lot of friends now and I’m no longer bullied or hated just for being me, but whenever I’m alone all my dark feelings really come out. It’s like I’m spiraling down my depressive hole again. Falling slowly into the abyss of my mind. I’ve tried on several occasions to just cry and let all my feelings out but I can’t seem to get any real tears out. As depressed as I feel emptiness is more of a proper way of describing it. I could be right next to someone and feel miles away. I often turn to alcohol to try to numb any pain I feel but it just makes everything seem more hopeless. All my issues started when I was a kid. My mother hated me, despite often telling people otherwise. She would come home and beat me when she had a bad day, often not feeling satisfied with the damage she did she would lie to my father telling him about some horrible thing I did so he would hit me. I thought my suffering would be over and that I would be safe when I got to school. Little did I know that throughout most of my first 4 years in school I would be bullied constantly for the stupidest things. Finally one day, in fourth grade, I realized I was bigger than my bully and stood up for myself beating him up. I thought it would be over then and that I could finally start making friends or at least be treated nicer. However from that point on for almost the rest of my school life I was feared. No one would come near me and if I tried talking to people they would just run away. I felt so alone for most of my school life. I’d often cry myself to sleep, another thing that would set my mother off. By the time I was in high school I had made a few friends and was able to sort of enjoy myself, I was even bigger and stronger than my parents at this point so they stopped tormenting me. I thought everything was finally going good in my life, and then I met Rachel. Well truth be told I had known Rachel since first grade. She was pretty and we sort of shared some interests and she had become my first girlfriend. Life was amazing for me at that point and we went on to be together for 2 and a half years until her first week in collage. It was there she cheated on me with two guys she met that week, we hadn’t gone very far s******* and it seemed like we would be together for awhile, or at least I had thought. Looking back the relationship wasn’t a very good one, she was very demanding and opinionated and if I didn’t feel the same way as her on even the smallest thing she had a fit. So after she cheated on me with these two guys it was over, Hell it was probably over long before that. Then came Emily. Emily was one of Rachel’s best friends who was pretty and troubled. More so than I had thought originally. Our first time hanging out was during a parade that our hometown has every year. It was then she made out with me and told me it was because she wanted to. She then walked away and went home. I had no clue what to say to that I just figured that my life decided to turn up. It was about time honestly. Well that wasn’t entirely the case as my car got keyed for the first time that day leading to the series of terrible paint jobs I had attempted to give it. But back to Emily. Emily and I had started seeing each other more often and she was my first time. We started dating and split up on good terms 3 months later. Which would’ve been great had it stayed that way. I however was stupid and started really falling for this girl. Couldn’t leave it to be a nice thing I guess. It also probably didn’t help that whenever we saw each other we had s**, to an 18 year old guy that felt like a priority. Well Christmas came around and we started dating again, as a joke she asked me if I would be her girlfriend. I laughed and said I’d have to think about it. And for awhile it seemed like things were amazing. My life was starting to turn up, I had a job that I really enjoyed and I met a person who would become very important to me in my life right now. But that comes later. Back to Emily again. She and I fought. A lot. She had a lot of issues and I was stupid. Eventually it led to me losing a job over her while she was in my home state and I was across the country. I’ve never known a more on and off couple than we were and I’m glad to say it finally came to an end. To go into more detail, Emily was physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive and cheated on me throughout the entire relationship. I knew about it and thought that I deserved it, after all it was a small price to pay so feign happiness I thought. Problem was I wasn’t happy and towards the end I really started to realize it. I had a mental breakdown and had to be put in a psych ward for a few months, something that to this day I’ve kept from my parents who thought that I was just working out of state. It’s hard to talk about a lot of this but I need to get it out. If not to tell my story then to realize why I feel the way I do. During my time in the psych ward I barely moved or ate. The meds didn’t help and I only talked to my therapist. I haven’t cried since before going in there mind you. Other than my therapist the rest of my time there is all a blur and I finally came home. I realized that I needed to get away from my home town and away from my past. My life would not get any better unless I made it that way. I decided I would go to school. I wanted to make video games or at least do art for it. I’ve always been an artist and I’ve loved video games my whole life. So I started saving up money, I’m about 20-21 at this point so it’s very recent. My relationship with my parents can actually be considered a relationship. It was rocky for a bit and I have forgiven them for what they did to me growing up as I know their reasoning and what it’s like to not be in the right mindset. My mother had gotten help and we started becoming a real family for the first time. It was a great change of events, they even supported me going to school and offered to help pay for it. Life was looking good and I felt it was going to be better really soon. Remember that important person I mentioned earlier? This is where she becomes relevant. Rebecca is probably the one person in life that I love more than anything on this planet and I would gladly die for her. She had a guy she dated for 8 years and he just up and left for no reason. It killed her inside. She went through this around the time my mental breakdown began. I started hanging out with her. She was amazing and super important to me. Rebecca introduced me to her friends and we all quickly became close. Especially me and her friend Michelle. We went to a convention and Rebecca wasn’t feeling good so she went home sick, I had paid for my ticket so I decided to hang out with Michelle for that day as she was pretty cool. That evening in a movie theatre we made out to the point of almost having s**, in fact if it wasn’t for Michelle’s friend the s** would’ve happened. Well Michelle had a girlfriend at the time and for once in my life it felt great to be the other person. There was no commitment and no real feelings involved. For awhile. Michelle broke up with her girlfriend and we started seeing each other whenever we could. Her son was pretty funny and it all in all was a good time. And we had a lot of s** (after her son and mom went to bed). Also I know I’m a p************ for going with this girl and not Rebecca despite my feelings for her. In fact Rebecca is the one person I believe that I truly love in this world. However she’s currently with someone else (sort of) and I feel it’s better that we don’t get together. Michelle and I were good for awhile then I moved and we stopped talking last Christmas. The in between isn’t important. Just s**, arguments, and b*******. I’ve been going to the school of my dreams and I’ve been having a great time. I’ve met some friends, and life is great. However the time I’ve been here despite all my assumed happiness has been really lonely. Because of this I tried making a new friend for a simple friendly relationship. Her name was Michelle, funny enough it’s not for any subconscious reason these two are totally different. Michelle agreed to hang out with me and I thought we had a good time together, it was really flirty and it even ended with us kissing. Now let me clarify, I really like this girl, she’s really pretty, really fun to be around and really nice. Well apparently I was her first kiss despite her being a year older than me. Strange no? This girl shares a lot of the same interests as I do and is really awesome. Problem is, I think she hates me. I feel like since the kiss she’s tried to avoid me or just talking to me and it really hurts a lot. It brings me back to how I used to feel as a kid. To be honest at this point I’d rather just have her tell me she hates me so I can move on. Not knowing is the worst thing. I really don’t have much more to say. To sum up this huge thing I’m damaged and lonely. I don’t feel like I deserve to be loved, or even cared about and there’s one person in my life that I would be happy just holding in my arms who is slowly starting to get out of her shell with someone she cares about and then there’s a person that I’ve moved on towards that is avoiding me like the plague. At times it’s hard to keep moving forward and I’ve thought about ending it several times throughout this story. But I keep hoping, probably stupidly hoping, that one day I’ll find that person to make me happy.