I’m in an open relationship with the man I love for about 2 and a half years now.

This new boy came rushing into my life like he didn’t have any stop signs around him and he was everything I thought I wanted before I met the man I’m with now. He’s tall, dark, handsome and every time I look at him I get this feeling in my stomach that I can only relate to an unbelievable amount of admiration and nervousness all rolled into one. He’s dating my best friend. I shouldn’t even like him. I shouldn’t even look at him. But I love him. I am irrevocably in love with a boy that I cannot have and I am scared that I’ll throw away the 2 years of love that I have for my man.

Dear Toni,

I know that I cannot have you. I know that even to state ‘have’ would be to confess my selfishness. But I cannot help but be selfish around you. You are exciting. You are fearless. You have a beautiful voice. You have a smile that could make flowers bloom. You have kind eyes. You have a silly laugh.

You have the most amazing smell in the whole world and sometimes when you don’t notice I like to lean in a little closer than friends would but farther than lovers would and just breath. If we were trapped in a room without windows or light I wouldn’t mind because I could just be surrounded by your being. You have a comforting aura that calms me, envelopes me and turns me on all at the same time.

You are cocky. I love it so much. But just as you are cocky, you are also very self conscious. I want to hug you forever.

Every time you brush my arm or tell me that I’m funny or laugh at my jokes or ask me to listen to music with you I want to cry with happiness.

But you are also painful. Whenever I am around you all I can think about is the fact that you’re beautiful person is being loved and is loving someone that I am supposed to care about very much. I love her too. She is my best friend but my love for you is tearing my feelings from me and she is becoming something I am jealous of. Someone I do not like. I do not want to dislike her. I just want to be with you.

Dear Jaime,

I love you so much. Thank you for the amazing and indisputably and unendingly in love. I want to tell you how much I love you but my judgement is clouded by Toni. Help me come back.