I don’t have the will to live. All my life I have felt like I don’t belong here. I have few friends. Im anti-social. I don’t know how to relate to people. I have been scarred in my youth by other kids beating be up, calling me a freak. I came into this world a loving,innocent,wide eyed and curious soul. How other kids could be so cruel to me here was terrifying to me. Im a coward. I feel alone. I pray to God for my soulmate to come to me and nothing. I pray to God to take me back and Im still here. I can’t kill myself I beg God to take me back and Im still here why? People tell me I am a handsome man and when I stare in the mirror I see my face twist into a monster. This feels like hell. I have deep fears, stronger doubts, and my room mate says I don’t love myself. Maybe thats true cause I am disappointed in myself for not feeling good. I have tried but failure after failure to manifest what I desire has left me bereft of truly loving myself. I have to be the biggest loser in the world and my very few friends Im sure know this. I look up at the stars and wish to go home and here I stay in the hell. When I have strong emotions electrical items go wrong. I hate my life. I find it impossible to make new friends. Im alone most of the time at work and mostly in my off hours as well. I don’t know how to talk to new people they have to start talking to me for any friendship to flourish I am deeply and painfully shy. I want others to love me. I have a lot of love to give but when I was a child I was laughed at all the time and the walls around my heart were starting to form the strong barriers they are now. These people in New Jersey are awful to live with, absolutely terrible, despicable people. They taught me to Hate, be Angry, be bitter , self centered, money grubbing, disappointed. Or maybe I became that way because I am weak and a coward. God please take my soul back.