Hi, I’m currently suffering the consequences that come with progressing from a pathological liar to a compulsive liar. I might get held back due to my several absences, there’s 2 classes I’m going to have to retake next year if I do end up graduating, I have no friends since I pushed them all away in fear that they’ll find out just how much I lied to them from my first school, I moved again in hopes for a new start but fucked that up with lying in fear of being judged, and now I just pushed everyone away by being an a****** for no reason. I’ve also lied to family. My relationship with my dad is strained, my mom acts like she cares and my siblings hate me. My social skills were never the best and I also never had a true friend so that was a whole 180 of f****** change. I’m pretty insecure about my appearance and hate the fact that my financial situation makes my wardrobe occasionally repetitive. Yesterday suicide ran wild through my mind.. “Just do it.” My mind would chant ridiculously. But I couldn’t.. I wussed out at the thoughts of what would happen if I were unsuccessful.

That unsuccess that would result in mutilation of my body for nothing. Being on suicide watch probably bawling my eyes out that it didn’t work.. Having to talk to a therapist about all my problems and possibly being locked up due to my fucked up mentality. I couldn’t have that. If they were to lock me up in a psych ward, I’d probably go even more insane. And then my parents and siblings would big time disown me. My parents too and I don’t want to disappoint them anymore than I already have. I didn’t sleep last night because of the adrenaline and racing thoughts I got from just the f****** thought of not having to feel this pain anymore if I just dropped dead. My lack of conscience of the consequences that came after these self destructive behaviors just fucked me over. Idk what to do.. I don’t know if living is even worth it anymore. To live in fear of having my secrets found out. To live in fear of having to keep track of my lies so I don’t forget them.. It’s just too much .