I don’t know if it’s mental exhaustion or if I’m just being a whiny b*tch… But… Sometimes I just wake up and want to cry because I am yet again alive… Is it okay that I sometimes envy those that are dead… That when I hear someone’s passed away I don’t feel bad. I feel happy and envious… Like… Why couldn’t it be me yknow…

And like I can’t tell anyone… No one truly understands. Every time I think like this I feel awful. I feel so bad.. There’s people. Who would get a lot of blame for it. My mom… They’ll probably say she didn’t raise me right. She’ll blame herself. And I just start feeling selfish and close the thought..

Back then I could easily just go numb. But now it’s either I fake till I make it or I feel pain and show it.
Is something wrong? Or am I just being annoying and wanting attention. Classic me… Attention seeking. Is what my brain says.

But I’m tired. I’m tired of waking up. I’m tired of thinking. I’m tired of eating. I’m tired of having this body. I’m tired of the sun… Tired of people. I just.. I’m just tired and I wish someone could put me out of my misery.

No one probably cares. I mean I wouldn’t. I could easily write this in my diary and not here. But knowing no one will know it’s me helps… It’s like.. This could be anyone. No one has to know I was here being annoying. Yeah… I just wanna sleep.