I’m going to be 20 and my mental health has definitely improved in the past few years but I HAVE been su***dal since I was 10 and as hard as I try I can’t stop the su***dal thoughts. I know I need therapy because the medications barely helped. The truth is that it’s been so long since I’ve had the thoughts that they feel like they’re just part of my brain chemistry now. It sort of feels like being able to read – you can’t just unlearn how to read, if you see words you’re going to automatically read them in a sense, and that’s how it feels like with the thoughts. They just keep coming. I don’t know if even therapy will make them ever go away. I’m scared and I’m tired and I wish I had received help sooner before an entire decade went by. Maybe I wouldn’t have those thoughts now if I had gotten help sooner. But this country doesn’t want you to talk about that. I just have to deal with my broken brain for the rest of my life. I’m trying hard to want to live, to actually live, but my mental health is taking a huge toll on my body and I have too many health issues because of that, which is obviously making life harder. I wish I could take a break from life to just relax and work on my mental health for an entire year, maybe 2 years. But that’s not how it works here. I’m just so exhausted. Even my headmates are missing, they don’t talk to me anymore. I can’t feel them there anymore and I wish they were back. It felt better when I wasn’t alone in my head.