I like this guy, his name is Von. Hes a basketball player, very tall compared to me, and in a grade higher than me. I’m in 10th. I don’t even know where this crush came from! Everyday in the hallways Id see him with his friends, every home game id see him on the court(not now because he got kicked off), and those were the only times id see him. But this one day we made eye contact and I got this rush and smiled at him. He smiled back and from there we always share eye contact and smiles. Soon we actually talked and it was weird. He gave me a guys hand shake…. it was weird but it made me smile the rest of the day. At one of the games he couldn’t play in we were learning Vietnamese from a friend, I know weird to be learning a language at a game(they were losing anyways) but we were laughing and sharing eye contact. Today we actually talked!! I was so happy, ahah omg I was so happy. He was smiling that big smile and laughing at what I was saying(because I am funny). I told my best friend and she was all happy because im not one to randomly like someone, one like like someone at all. She told me she was going to tell her boyfriend to talk to Von for me and I instantly told her no! What if he doesn’t like me back? I hate not knowing that, I mean id be so embarrassed. He doesn’t even know my name, I bet. He probably just knows me as some random school girl, but I know he notices me.

but I have hurt and lied to everyone I love. It started out small then it snowballed…and I lost control.

At first it was telling my friends that I slept with someone to get them off my back for being a virgin, then, I had to cover that up with another lie saying that I had a boyfriend in another town. I ran away for three days and told my friends that I went to see him, I told my parents I was staying at a friends house. I really slept in a hide away by the train tracks behind my high school. Then I told everyone I was really sick with something that might kill me after going missing for another few days. I was really just trying to get them off my back for running away again. I even told my teachers that I had been in the hospital due to the illness. I stopped talking to people after that, I stopped going to school, I stopped talking to my parents, I stayed in my room for months not going to school. I did it so that I didn’t have to keep lying.

That was in tenth grade.

I didn’t go to school much for eleventh grade. I was never happier. The lies stopped. But the question didn’t. I got an email from one of my friend asking if I wanted to hang out latter at his house. I said that that would be grate and I would meet him at my house. We met up and went to his house. It started out as just two friends watching a movie together, then he began touching me in ways I did not want to be touched in. That lead to him latter r***** me and leaving me laying on the floor of the living room naked and alone. I’ve never cried so hard in my life.
Thats what really changed me.
There was a court case on what had happened to me because he had done it to a few other girls who spoke out about it. I was called in for an interview to tell my story. I lied. I didn’t tell them what really happened. I kept it to my self. I didn’t want anyone to know. Then I removed my self from my life again. The lies stopped. For a while.

It was my last year in high school on the first day in my first class that I met a girl who had just moved to this area from a different state. We became friend right away. Shortly after becoming friends she introduced me to her friend from her home town via the internet. We started talking and he began to like me a lot. We decided to call each other for the first time a few weeks latter. After a few calls he said that it didn’t make sense but he felt he loved me. That is when the lies started again. I told him I loved him to, I wanted to be with him, I told him anything and everything I felt he wanted to hear. No matter what it was. He truly loved me. He thought I was an angel sent from heaven. He worshiped me. I was his Goddess, his reason for living, I literally was only thing that he wanted or ever will want. He thought I was this perfect little thing that would bring him happiness for the years to come. But I was the poison running through his veins, slowly killing him from the in side out. Then he started wanting things from me. Pictures, risqué pictures of my naked. So I sent them. Then he wanted p********. I never said no. I wanted him to like me it made me feel better about my self. I kept doing these things for him so he would stick around. So I could have someone to manipulate. Manipulate like I had been manipulated. I wanted someone to be as ugly as I am on the inside. I wanted him to suffer for what was done to me. I wanted to make someone hurt as much as I did inside, I wanted someone I could twist and beat that would always come back if I said one fraise. I love you.
Things got worse. I told more lies not only to him but to everyone. I told him I loved him but I told everyone else that I hated him. A few months latter he flew out to meet me. He spent a week with me. That is when I truly did my worst. I ripped into him spitting acid and fire relentlessly. There wasn’t anything I didn’t say to him, especially if I knew it would hurt him. I didn’t say good by when he left, I turned my back on him and walked out of the door telling him my sister needed me and left him with my mother and father till he had to fly out. I stopped talking to him after that. I felt so bad for what I did. I couldn’t even look into the mirror with out wanting to kill my self. There was not a day that when by that I didn’t want to tell him everything and that I was sorry. But I never did tell him.
A month or two latter he emailed me asking all these questions I could not answer. Not being able to answer them I blamed him. I told him everything that has ever happened to me and to him sense he came into my life was his doing. He apologized and I hated my self more then ever. After talking for a while longer we started dating. It was real for him but it was really just me playing with the delicate heart strings of a broken man. A man I broke. After putting him through hell once more I stopped talking to him again telling him I hated him and that I never wanted to talk to him again.
Three months latter I emailed him. I just wanted to he how he was doing, he was doing well. Everything he said to me was like a dagger hitting me with great speed and accuracy.I suppose I deserver it. Shorty after that I cut my self out of his life completely. I don’t talk to him or anyone he knows and still talks to. I did that for him, so he could heal, I hope he has. I hope he hates me for everything I’ve ever done to him. Because I truly deserve it, and more. I wish he knew the truth. I took an young man who only wanted to love me and to have my love,to know that he wasn’t worthless and he meant something to someone. I turned him into me. I turned him into a heartless, rigid , shell of a person. He was so kind and loving, but I tainted him and made him into me.

I lied to my parents telling them that everything that happened between him and I but I twisted it to make him sound like a horrid person. I lied to them about the r***, I told them I didn’t go to his house we were with other people at one of my other friends houses. I lied to them about every aspect of my life. Hardly anything I told them was true.

To this day there isn’t a moment that passes that I don’t think about what I did. I still can’t look at my self in the mirror and not hate my self for what I did. I keep it hidden under this happy go lucky, nothing can hurt me, angelic exterior. Pretending to be this selfless person who would do anything for anyone no matter how much it may hurt me as long as they are happy.

I was that once, but now I am monster.